Green? It didn't sound too different from what she had already imagined, yet at the same time, it seemed almost alien or dream-like. Like something out of a strange fairytale or mythology. Her light brown eyes dropped from Sephiroth's face down to her bowl, as she idly moved the spoon around. He said he saw others there. Others, who? The question was burning so hot in her brain that it felt almost unbearable.
She, as a still living being, had no right to ask about what awaits after death.
Did she?
A more selfish part of her believed she did, but she'd seen where selfishness could take a person. The mad pursuit of one's own conviction. It was rarely a good place.
"Do you want to be alive forever?" she asked him, voice softening to shave some of the corners off her blunt question.
Sephiroth was still reluctant to reveal most of the details of what had been happening post-Nibelheim. Things might go differently in this realm and what had happened in his realm wouldn't apply. But ... if there was any chance things could be changed for the better by warning of it ... then didn't he owe it to Cloud and Aerith to try?
He pondered the question. "I don't know," he said. "I believe eventually immortality would be an exhausting burden, especially after there is no one left alive who even knew me. But ... I don't want to lose myself. Not again. I would only want to stay dead if I could retain who I am."
He had once said he did not fear death, for he had already seen Hell. And not the Hell of any mythical fire and brimstone, but his own personal Hell, experienced over years of loneliness and pain and anguish, and now that he was sane again, guilt and grief as well. He couldn't imagine the Hells of religion could be worse. But ... did he still think he didn't fear death? He had said that in another world, when he wasn't fully himself. And even then, his refusal to stay dead seemed to indicate a fear of it ... of being forgotten.
She nodded slowly, really taking in what he was saying. His reflection about the weight of immortality, seeing everyone you ever meet die and leave you alone to roam, all to avoid joining everyone in what is told to be a peaceful and meaningful existence in the Lifestream, merging with the very planet itself.
At least how Cissnei understood it. She could be wrong, but she kind of liked keeping that tiny flame of hope alive, that maybe it was as good a, if not better, existence.
Little comforts.
"Staying here, living while everyone else dies, they will lose their memories of you in the Lifestream anyway, and each new generation who lives alongside you will know you less and less. I don't know if there's a better option, or even a good option. Maybe all we can do is enjoy what we have while we have it."
She shrugged faintly, tearing off a piece of her bread roll and scooping up some stew with it. Her expression was pensive as she chewed, wondering about those she knew who had passed on - if they were restless or at peace.
Sephiroth failed to understand how losing oneself could ever be a good existence for the person in question. But he didn't really think he could have a good existence anywhere anyway. Not now.
"It depends on if they choose to assimilate or not," he said. "It is possible to be in the Lifestream without doing that." He sighed and shook his head. "Of course ... now that I am sane again and understand all that I have done, I can't fathom why anyone would want to remember me. I wouldn't force it on anyone, as I tried to when I was out of my mind."
He stared off into the distance. "Enjoying what you have is a good philosophy to an extent. But then it's gone and you weren't ready to let it go and you're left pining for what was ... what could have been."
He still ached for Angeal and Genesis, but really moreso for Zack, the only one who hadn't left him and hadn't betrayed him. Sephiroth would never forgive himself for, as he felt, betraying Zack.
Pining was exactly what it was. The sharp pain of missing something in all it's unresolvedness, in all the lost potential, memories of something that couldn't be recreated because it would only feel like a cheap impression.
"It's unfair," she agreed to an extent she wouldn't fully share or explain. "But I think I don't mind the idea of just vanishing. That one day, my number is up and what comes after is not for me to control. Being remembered isn't something I crave. To be honest, I think being forgotten is what I deserve."
A bit darker and more vulnerable than she had initially intended, but the words had just tumbled out of her. She had turned her life around and had achieved good things here in Gongaga after everything that happened. All the misery and distrust and secret operations. Surveillance, kidnapping, wiretapping - failing someone in need.
She could spend the rest of her life working to rebuild the world, town by town, but she doubted she'd ever forgive herself for what happened to Zack. The guilt is a consequence that she must endure so that it'll never happen again.
“Hm. While I can’t say I understand wanting that, I do understand feeling it’s what you deserve. I suppose I feel the same about myself now. Everyone would be better off forgetting me. But I don’t want to forget. Not again. I should remember every horrible thing I did, not blissfully and ignorantly forget my wretched existence. To remember the suffering I caused others, even if they forget … is only just and right.”
Perhaps true, perhaps just the product of a heartbroken, grieving man devastated over coming back to himself and fully seeing and understanding the calamities caused. That was never what he had wanted. He had only wanted to protect in his right mind. Now he didn’t know how to deal with his colossal failure in that regard.
"I hope you don't take this the wrong way but... I don't think you'll be forgotten any time soon. I think you'll be in the history books for a while, as a cautionary tale."
She regarded him for a few moments - this enigmatic legend, in the seeming flesh, across her modest kitchen table.
"And the guilt you carry... isn't yours entirely to bear. We both have responsibility for what we partook in, but we didn't design the circumstances. We had powerful enablers who limited our options to make wiser choices. Spending the last three-ish years out here, I've come to some realizations. One, I never knew as much as Shinra made me believe I was privy to. Two, the world is small, but it's big enough to allow you space to redeem yourself if you so wish. And three, even on days where I wanna forget and be forgotten, I never forget the value of remembering. Remembering those who were honorable. Those who fought. Those who rose up against the worst and challenged it. Remembering that in every mistake, even in gruesome acts, a lesson can be learned. Wisdom can be found, even if the cost seems too high to ever be forgiven."
She laid her spoon down in her empty bowl and picked up the rest of the bread roll to tear off a piece.
"Hmm." He listened, thoughtful. "We have that in common, then ... not knowing as much about Shinra as we thought we did." Learning the full truth had broken him.
And a quiet nod. "I would like to do good again, but I have no hopes or beliefs that I could redeem myself after all the evils I committed. I don't excuse myself even though I wasn't sane. Nothing can repair the hearts I broke ... the lives I took. I ... wish I hadn't gained wisdom at such a cost. But such wishes are useless since they change nothing. I wonder if there is any way to use the full extent of my abilities for good."
And he wondered how much Cissnei was aware he could do. Much of what he had learned had been in the Lifestream. Did she know he had more wings than one?
While she chewed on the last piece of her bread, a pensive look settled over her face. To an extent, she agreed that wishing and hoping wasn't going to really change anything. It wasn't going to convince anybody to give him, or her, a second chance. But belief and direct action just might.
"You're right. Wishing it'll get better won't do anything. But if you believe it will, and put that belief into every action you take from this moment on, things will change. Start small. Physical labour. Help the locals with menial things. I had the benefit of not having as....striking an appearance? So once I switched from my, honestly fabulous, suit to something more common, half the work was done."
It was a serious moment, sitting opposite of the man who burned a whole city to the ground and killed everyone in it. Unspeakable. Her own role in it was quiet, in the aftermath, putting the pieces together and doing damage control. Her hands weren't covered in soot, but they smelled like a bonfire. In spite of the context, she put forward a small smile.
"Braided hair and a new outfit, you could start turning it around tomorrow." Most of the world had moved on from what happened in Nibelheim five years ago, and a lot of that was due to Shinra investing time, money and manpower into covering it up.
More menacingly, the company that raised her and gave her a chance in this life would always find a way to shift and displace attention.
The recent sector 7 collapse was a devastating display of that. They could use the help but it was unwise to put Sephiroth that close to the source of all his woes.
North Corel was an option. Another victim of Shinra, though often overlooked. He could definitely find honest work there.
"Hm." Could he believe that? He might be able to make things better for others, in some ways. But would that help him feel better? Could he possibly believe that?
So much had happened since Nibelheim. It was true, much of the world didn't even know what had really happened there. Some hadn't even known he was supposed to be dead. But after all that had come later: Meteor, Geostigma, the Advent battle ... many more knew of him and his madness now. He doubted changing his hair and outfits would really help much.
"I'll have to think about it," he said. "I prefer my hair loose." Said in a complete deadpan.
"I do know of places where I could go to try to help others." Ironically, one such place might be Wutai. In his world, Godo had actually liked him and would welcome him there now that he was sane again. Wutai had been hit particularly hard by Meteor. Sephiroth trying to help put it back together seemed only right.
Of course, there was the additional problem that while Godo liked him, most of Wutai did not. Which had been the case even before Nibelheim.
He could also stay closer to Cloud, perhaps.... Although going right into Edge was likely a bad idea. Everyone surely knew what he looked like there by now and wouldn't want him around.
Another thought would be staying here for a while. Would that be a good idea, though? He might run into himself. Who knew what damage two Sephiroths could cause if they met and started to fight.
"... How long has it been since you've spoken with Cloud and the others?"
He was trying to gauge at what point in the timeline this was.
She should have probably been more unnerved by his question about when she last saw Cloud, but his behavior so far definitely told her that he wasn't a madman anymore. Perhaps the Lifestream couldn't hold him or make him assimilate, but it seemed to have contributed in some way to his calmer and more personable demeanor.
Still unsure what his intentions might be with Cloud, she made a note of how he didn't ask where he was. Just when she last saw him.
Harmless info, unless he's one of those genius types that can calculate travel time and estimate where the party would be.
"A few days ago. Less than a week." She effortlessly left out the parts about the shadowy wisps in the reactor ruins and how they nearly lost Tifa.
("You're more than welcome to think whatever theories you like. I'd appreciate it, though, if you didn't share them with the villagers. I enjoy a unique position in Gongaga. The big city girl with a mysterious past. Unless you spoil the fun for me. Know that I'm no enemy of yours, and I won't get in your way. So please. Just let me live my life.")
The Lifestream hadn't made him sane again, but what had done it was another strange story.
He could calculate approximations, at least. He assumed that in this world, the visit when Cloud and the rest had seen her was probably when they had also visited Zack's parents. That would mean Aerith was still alive then ... and might still be. Likely was.
Could he save her, if he tried? Could he stop the other him from killing her?
He had to try. Maybe, possibly, that was even why he had ended up in this other world, with a chance to actually change the outcome for one world ... even though not his own.
For now he tried to appear calm and not show the building worry he felt. He had no time to waste. He would have to fly to try to catch up with them.
"I see," he said.
He finished with his food and stood with a smile. "Thank you for your hospitality. The food was delicious. I will take my leave now so as not to trouble you further."
She might see him try to take flight if he didn't get far enough away before trying. He was more concerned about getting to them as soon as possible than he was about his wings being seen.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 09:35 am (UTC)She, as a still living being, had no right to ask about what awaits after death.
Did she?
A more selfish part of her believed she did, but she'd seen where selfishness could take a person. The mad pursuit of one's own conviction. It was rarely a good place.
"Do you want to be alive forever?" she asked him, voice softening to shave some of the corners off her blunt question.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 09:50 am (UTC)He pondered the question. "I don't know," he said. "I believe eventually immortality would be an exhausting burden, especially after there is no one left alive who even knew me. But ... I don't want to lose myself. Not again. I would only want to stay dead if I could retain who I am."
He had once said he did not fear death, for he had already seen Hell. And not the Hell of any mythical fire and brimstone, but his own personal Hell, experienced over years of loneliness and pain and anguish, and now that he was sane again, guilt and grief as well. He couldn't imagine the Hells of religion could be worse. But ... did he still think he didn't fear death? He had said that in another world, when he wasn't fully himself. And even then, his refusal to stay dead seemed to indicate a fear of it ... of being forgotten.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 10:13 am (UTC)At least how Cissnei understood it. She could be wrong, but she kind of liked keeping that tiny flame of hope alive, that maybe it was as good a, if not better, existence.
Little comforts.
"Staying here, living while everyone else dies, they will lose their memories of you in the Lifestream anyway, and each new generation who lives alongside you will know you less and less. I don't know if there's a better option, or even a good option. Maybe all we can do is enjoy what we have while we have it."
She shrugged faintly, tearing off a piece of her bread roll and scooping up some stew with it. Her expression was pensive as she chewed, wondering about those she knew who had passed on - if they were restless or at peace.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 10:21 am (UTC)"It depends on if they choose to assimilate or not," he said. "It is possible to be in the Lifestream without doing that." He sighed and shook his head. "Of course ... now that I am sane again and understand all that I have done, I can't fathom why anyone would want to remember me. I wouldn't force it on anyone, as I tried to when I was out of my mind."
He stared off into the distance. "Enjoying what you have is a good philosophy to an extent. But then it's gone and you weren't ready to let it go and you're left pining for what was ... what could have been."
He still ached for Angeal and Genesis, but really moreso for Zack, the only one who hadn't left him and hadn't betrayed him. Sephiroth would never forgive himself for, as he felt, betraying Zack.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 10:35 am (UTC)"It's unfair," she agreed to an extent she wouldn't fully share or explain. "But I think I don't mind the idea of just vanishing. That one day, my number is up and what comes after is not for me to control. Being remembered isn't something I crave. To be honest, I think being forgotten is what I deserve."
A bit darker and more vulnerable than she had initially intended, but the words had just tumbled out of her. She had turned her life around and had achieved good things here in Gongaga after everything that happened. All the misery and distrust and secret operations. Surveillance, kidnapping, wiretapping - failing someone in need.
She could spend the rest of her life working to rebuild the world, town by town, but she doubted she'd ever forgive herself for what happened to Zack. The guilt is a consequence that she must endure so that it'll never happen again.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-12 10:58 am (UTC)Perhaps true, perhaps just the product of a heartbroken, grieving man devastated over coming back to himself and fully seeing and understanding the calamities caused. That was never what he had wanted. He had only wanted to protect in his right mind. Now he didn’t know how to deal with his colossal failure in that regard.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-14 12:22 pm (UTC)She regarded him for a few moments - this enigmatic legend, in the seeming flesh, across her modest kitchen table.
"And the guilt you carry... isn't yours entirely to bear. We both have responsibility for what we partook in, but we didn't design the circumstances. We had powerful enablers who limited our options to make wiser choices. Spending the last three-ish years out here, I've come to some realizations. One, I never knew as much as Shinra made me believe I was privy to. Two, the world is small, but it's big enough to allow you space to redeem yourself if you so wish. And three, even on days where I wanna forget and be forgotten, I never forget the value of remembering. Remembering those who were honorable. Those who fought. Those who rose up against the worst and challenged it. Remembering that in every mistake, even in gruesome acts, a lesson can be learned. Wisdom can be found, even if the cost seems too high to ever be forgiven."
She laid her spoon down in her empty bowl and picked up the rest of the bread roll to tear off a piece.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-14 08:52 pm (UTC)"Hmm." He listened, thoughtful. "We have that in common, then ... not knowing as much about Shinra as we thought we did." Learning the full truth had broken him.
And a quiet nod. "I would like to do good again, but I have no hopes or beliefs that I could redeem myself after all the evils I committed. I don't excuse myself even though I wasn't sane. Nothing can repair the hearts I broke ... the lives I took. I ... wish I hadn't gained wisdom at such a cost. But such wishes are useless since they change nothing. I wonder if there is any way to use the full extent of my abilities for good."
And he wondered how much Cissnei was aware he could do. Much of what he had learned had been in the Lifestream. Did she know he had more wings than one?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-16 09:27 am (UTC)"You're right. Wishing it'll get better won't do anything. But if you believe it will, and put that belief into every action you take from this moment on, things will change. Start small. Physical labour. Help the locals with menial things. I had the benefit of not having as....striking an appearance? So once I switched from my, honestly fabulous, suit to something more common, half the work was done."
It was a serious moment, sitting opposite of the man who burned a whole city to the ground and killed everyone in it. Unspeakable. Her own role in it was quiet, in the aftermath, putting the pieces together and doing damage control. Her hands weren't covered in soot, but they smelled like a bonfire. In spite of the context, she put forward a small smile.
"Braided hair and a new outfit, you could start turning it around tomorrow." Most of the world had moved on from what happened in Nibelheim five years ago, and a lot of that was due to Shinra investing time, money and manpower into covering it up.
More menacingly, the company that raised her and gave her a chance in this life would always find a way to shift and displace attention.
The recent sector 7 collapse was a devastating display of that. They could use the help but it was unwise to put Sephiroth that close to the source of all his woes.
North Corel was an option. Another victim of Shinra, though often overlooked. He could definitely find honest work there.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-16 09:45 am (UTC)So much had happened since Nibelheim. It was true, much of the world didn't even know what had really happened there. Some hadn't even known he was supposed to be dead. But after all that had come later: Meteor, Geostigma, the Advent battle ... many more knew of him and his madness now. He doubted changing his hair and outfits would really help much.
"I'll have to think about it," he said. "I prefer my hair loose." Said in a complete deadpan.
"I do know of places where I could go to try to help others." Ironically, one such place might be Wutai. In his world, Godo had actually liked him and would welcome him there now that he was sane again. Wutai had been hit particularly hard by Meteor. Sephiroth trying to help put it back together seemed only right.
Of course, there was the additional problem that while Godo liked him, most of Wutai did not. Which had been the case even before Nibelheim.
He could also stay closer to Cloud, perhaps.... Although going right into Edge was likely a bad idea. Everyone surely knew what he looked like there by now and wouldn't want him around.
Another thought would be staying here for a while. Would that be a good idea, though? He might run into himself. Who knew what damage two Sephiroths could cause if they met and started to fight.
"... How long has it been since you've spoken with Cloud and the others?"
He was trying to gauge at what point in the timeline this was.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-16 12:07 pm (UTC)Still unsure what his intentions might be with Cloud, she made a note of how he didn't ask where he was. Just when she last saw him.
Harmless info, unless he's one of those genius types that can calculate travel time and estimate where the party would be.
"A few days ago. Less than a week." She effortlessly left out the parts about the shadowy wisps in the reactor ruins and how they nearly lost Tifa.
She trusted Cloud to keep her secret.
Like she could keep Sephiroth's, if he so wished.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-16 07:34 pm (UTC)He could calculate approximations, at least. He assumed that in this world, the visit when Cloud and the rest had seen her was probably when they had also visited Zack's parents. That would mean Aerith was still alive then ... and might still be. Likely was.
Could he save her, if he tried? Could he stop the other him from killing her?
He had to try. Maybe, possibly, that was even why he had ended up in this other world, with a chance to actually change the outcome for one world ... even though not his own.
For now he tried to appear calm and not show the building worry he felt. He had no time to waste. He would have to fly to try to catch up with them.
"I see," he said.
He finished with his food and stood with a smile. "Thank you for your hospitality. The food was delicious. I will take my leave now so as not to trouble you further."
She might see him try to take flight if he didn't get far enough away before trying. He was more concerned about getting to them as soon as possible than he was about his wings being seen.