That certainly hadn't taken the sinister turn she was bracing for, even if he sounded more than a little ominous in claiming to know where Cloud is. If he did, then he already knew more than Cissnei.
Usually, the word of a SOLDIER was to be taken as the solemn truth - their training demanding about an equal amount of loyalty as a turk. So, with a for-the-time lack of evidence to to the contrary, Cissnei nodded at his prompt to find the goat.
Poor little thing, too adventurous for his own good.
"This way," came her ambivalent gesture of temporary trust. The steep slope to their left ended in a vernal pool. Perfect for a rambunctious kid to get his sillies out and splash around and scare the frogs. Sure enough, she spotted him down there, standing in the middle of the pool—not that deep for her or Sephiroth, but to a three month old goat, it was deep enough to distress him. Even his stomach was partially submerged—likely he'd been jumping around, playing, and gotten stuck in the soft bed of the water.
She looked around for a branch or something, but it seemed like her best option was just walk out there and pick him up.
"I'll go. You can—" was she about to instruct the Sephiroth to do something? Well, she'd started it, so she'd better finish, "—you can stay there and if he bolts your way, just... grab him? Gently?"
She began wading into the pool, aptly estimating the depth to be, at most around knee height for her. "Hey lil guy, what did ya think you were gonna get up to out here, huh? What did I tell you about chasing frogs? Ugh, don't gimme that look, your cuteness won't help you now," she said with a stern fondness, only earning an almost apologetic whine back from the animal.
When trying to lift him, she could hear the sopping vacuum that has a hold of his feet and she grunted as she had to reach into the pool and pull out the legs individually. Not surprisingly, the baby goat grew impatient and stressed—fretting and crying. With three legs free, he bucked away from Cissnei and made a run to get out of the pool, leaving the former turk wet, sweaty and frustrated.
He had seen Cloud right before ending up inside the portal, actually. He hadn't spoken with him, but had watched from a distance. He knew Cloud could never want anything to do with him despite his sanity. How could he, after all Sephiroth had done? He had been insane, but Sephiroth didn't and couldn't excuse himself. To him, it was thoroughly unforgivable. He couldn't imagine Cloud or anyone else would feel differently. So he had turned and quietly left, not sure what to do with himself, and had plunged into ...
Saving a goat?
He had followed Cissnei and then stood where she requested, not seeming to find it inappropriate for her to tell him what to do. After all, this was her area and she knew it, and she likely knew how to catch goats.
When the goat suddenly tried to get away again, Sephiroth snapped to attention and gently reached for him, at the same time bending down and trying to speak soothingly to him. Would he calm down enough for Sephiroth to be able to get him and hold on to him? Sephiroth wasn't sure. Animals were supposed to be able to sense people's true natures, after all. His presence should make the animal want to run even more.
She returned to the edge of the pool, her arms and legs stained with water, leaves and dirt. Light brown eyes blinked at the sight of Sephiroth, branded a madman, believed to be dead, standing very much alive in front of her, gingerly holding her baby goat in his arms.
The world just kept getting stranger, the older she got.
"Thank you..." she spoke, after a moment of silence. "I can take him from here." The small animal was her problem to begin with it and it was her own fault for letting him get away in the first place. She cooed at the much calmer kid, a little surprised that he wasn't freaking out over being held by a stranger.
Maybe something really had changed in Sephiroth?
Holding the goat and bouncing him softly, Cissnei glanced at the towering soldier before her. "Do you..." the question died on her lips and she started again, "Are you hungry or anything?"
It was reckless and as a former turk, she should've known better - but animals were always good indicators of someone's character and if she didn't trust his word, she trusted the instinct of a delicate baby animal.
Would she survive it? Maybe, maybe not.
Then again, perhaps offering some hospitality would better her chances. Redemption isn't something one can achieve alone. Someone has to reciprocate and extend some trust to go with that second chance, if it's going to work.
"I make probably the shittiest food in all of Gongaga, so you might be taking the bigger risk here," she attempted to joke to lighten the tension a little. Her stew might only be barely better than military rations, but she had improved since Cloud and his party came through here. The optimism that lingered after Aerith's gentle help had been a great resource for Cissnei to improve her talents in the kitchen. Every meal, she sent some thoughts to the Cetra and hoped she was okay out there.
Instead of the short-cut, Cissnei led them along the tried and trusted path and sooner rather than later, they reached the top of the incline and Cissnei's little homestead was within sight.
"How, uh... how long have you been...back?" It felt silly and surreal to ask but the question had been burning in the back of her head since he said he came out of a portal.
He does crack a smirk at the joke attempt. "Perhaps. But I've eaten some strange things out of necessity at times. I doubt yours is worse than that."
He appreciates the offer, even though he doesn't think he deserves the kindness at all. But it means a lot to him that she is willing to extend that much.
He follows, allowing himself to wonder how many times Zack traveled this path. Zack must have gone everywhere in such a small village, after all. What was his favorite spot?
"It's ... been a while," he admits. "After the last time I was abducted by gods from another realm, I just stayed on near the town of Edge."
A bizarre thing to say, but he doesn't seem to care. Talking of his atrocities would be much more difficult.
He might have been very correct in that. Her food was hardly poison - it was just often the soup base was a little thinner, or the veg were a little crunchy, or she forgot the spice that made the famous, distinctive flavour. Technically edible, just not a result that 100% matched the recipe.
Abducted by Gods? Okay. For all she knew, it was the acronym of some new extremist group, or sect that had popped up in the wake of the world post-Nibelheim incident. As a turk, she had seen some weird shit and put some pretty damn wild things in her reports - but after leaving that behind, the world just seemed even weirder. A little more magical and forgiving, but still weird.
"Edge, huh? Don't I've heard of that place. Is it far from Kalm? I haven't really been out east in a while. I came to Gongaga after the reactor exploded, initially just as part of the relief effort. Y'know, turk-guilt and all that, but...it became my home. Since then, I've been busy with the Youth Coalition here, keeping threats out and working on... well, you can see," she nodded her head toward the little enclosure where a mother goat is eager to be reunited with her little one. Next to it was a modest chicken coup and a water pump.
Sephiroth would probably like it alright. It would surely be better-tasting than anything Hojo had fed him.
Definitely a weird situation, made weirder by the fact that it had happened several times now. He was honestly tired of it.
"... Yes, Edge is near Kalm," he said carefully, wondering how much to reveal. Did she not know about Meteor for some reason? He had passed through a portal. Had Meteor not happened here? Or ... not happened here yet? There were so many possibilities.
He listened, nodding slowly. "I can see you must love it here, to put down such roots." He assumed she didn't have to live here, but fully chose to.
Probably a recent establishment, then, she figured and filed it away for later. Maybe Tseng could look it up.
"It's nice," she looked around and leaned against the gate a little, after letting the baby goat in to join his mother and father. Her thoughts drifted to the Fairs and how she failed their son. In her worst nightmares, he's out there, alone, surrounded, thinking nobody is coming for him. In dreams, the helicopter makes it there in time and they fly away into the sunset. She's not sure which is worse, the nightmare or the dream.
"The community here is great. I never imagined a place where someone like me would get such a warm welcome. I guess... people can surprise you." She looked over at Sephiroth, wondering if he might have a similar experience. Feeling unworthy everywhere, like the world is better without you, hoping there's a place out there that might still welcome you home.
"Hm. They know about your past employment and have still welcomed you?"
He does feel like that, all the time. The world in general, his world in specific (a person, not a place) ... everything and everyone would be better without him. He can't imagine anyone knowing everything he's done and still welcoming him. If Cissnei really doesn't know what happened after Nibelheim ... well, he can't imagine her being kind to him if she did.
Should he tell her? If this isn't his dimension, things might be playing out differently. If it's in the past, it still might play out the same. Or could the past be changed if he told?
"Ah..." she paused a little, realizing after the fact, that she may have been unclear. Her internal monologue and own self-reflections had bled out into the conversation, making it seem like everyone knew what she knew about herself. She shook her head.
"Not exactly. They know I'm from Midgar and that I have some vague military training or knowledge. I want to keep it that way." She looked squarely at Sephiroth to punctuate that intention. Her self-worth was left frail and crooked after everything she saw and did and knew as a turk. She may have been on the road to recover her value as a civilian, but she still had a long way to go before she felt like she could share the true nature of her past.
"I will do all I can to not give you away," he said. "But I may be recognized on sight and then they will realize we know each other somehow. Perhaps I should leave."
The last thing he wanted was to cause trouble when he didn't even mean to. By and large, Gaia didn't even know he was supposed to be dead. Some didn't even know it was his fault about Meteor. But many still remembered him and what he looked like.
The likelihood of someone connecting the dots wasn't improbable, but travellers weren't a too common sight around these parts. Maybe closer to town, where there'd be sights to see and work to be had, but out here, one wouldn't really wander to unless it was for a visit.
Cissnei didn't get visitors.
"You have time to get a warm meal in you," she assured him against her better judgement. He seemed fairly lucid and even-tempered, which was a good start and far more benign than the legacy that usually preceded the mention of his name in certain circles.
She led the way to the entrance of her woodsy cabin and lit a few lamps as she made her way toward the kitchen nook. In the hearth, a deep iron casserole sat at a bubbling simmer and Cissnei stirred it before going to the cupboard the get two bowls.
"Do you have any idea why the Lifestream wouldn't... hold you?" That was the word he'd used. Hold. Was he saying he could not be contained? I have never let it he said. Could willpower really influence the nature of the Lifestream? Was it a combination of everything? She grabbed three bread rolls, putting two in Sephiroth's bowl and the last one in her own. Carefully, she laid three scoops of stew in each bowl before setting them down on the table and nodding at Sephiroth to have a seat.
Her whole concept of how the Lifestream worked felt like it was being shifted off it's axis. It was a widely accepted fact that when life expired, it joined the Lifestream and was absorbed by it, returning to the planet. She and most others took that to mean as energy, as life-force. People didn't return to the planet...alive, did they? Then there'd be passed on loved ones walking all over.
Sephiroth had been a kind, thoughtful person when sane, even described as the perfect boss and having a gentleness about him. So different from both Shinra's propaganda and the tragic legacy of Nibelheim.
"I hope I will not cause you trouble," he said.
How curious for someone to choose to live so simply in a modern age. He looked around the cabin, almost feeling transported to another era.
Then he looked at the food with relish. He was definitely hungry. Everything looked and smelled wonderful to him. He sat down and carefully removed his gloves.
"I refused to be dead," he said. "I suppose I was the worst kind of restless spirit ... one who could actually do something about it. That is one effect of the Jenova cells, at least with me."
Cells that enabled life to continue, combined with Sephiroth's will, were quite a combination.
Maybe it was because she grew up around mostly other boys, rather wild and crude ones, but something about 'refusing to be dead' tickled that long buried Shinra-esque kind of boys-club talk nerve that Cissnei used to roll her eyes at. She smiled, mostly around the spoon, only the smallest of amused sounds making it out.
It was intriguing that he also believed the Jenova cells to be a contributing factor, but she wasn't sure she was ready to pick the scab off those wounds yet. Maybe some souls did find rest in there, even if they had Jenova cells in them.
"What was it like there?" Juvenile and naïve to ask, perhaps, but speaking to someone returned from the dead, essentially, wasn't exactly commonplace. She'd always regret it if she didn't.
It was a rather amusing thing to say, albeit true in his case.
He had seen people there with the cells who preferred to stay there, which was something he didn't really understand.
"It was ... very green," he deadpanned. "Sometimes white. I saw those who tried to convince the spirits to fully assimilate into the Lifestream and lose their individuality. Some finally agreed, while others did not. I wanted no part of that. I spent years forced to pretend to be what Shinra wanted me to be. I wasn't about to lose myself the rest of the way when I was finally free of them."
Green? It didn't sound too different from what she had already imagined, yet at the same time, it seemed almost alien or dream-like. Like something out of a strange fairytale or mythology. Her light brown eyes dropped from Sephiroth's face down to her bowl, as she idly moved the spoon around. He said he saw others there. Others, who? The question was burning so hot in her brain that it felt almost unbearable.
She, as a still living being, had no right to ask about what awaits after death.
Did she?
A more selfish part of her believed she did, but she'd seen where selfishness could take a person. The mad pursuit of one's own conviction. It was rarely a good place.
"Do you want to be alive forever?" she asked him, voice softening to shave some of the corners off her blunt question.
Sephiroth was still reluctant to reveal most of the details of what had been happening post-Nibelheim. Things might go differently in this realm and what had happened in his realm wouldn't apply. But ... if there was any chance things could be changed for the better by warning of it ... then didn't he owe it to Cloud and Aerith to try?
He pondered the question. "I don't know," he said. "I believe eventually immortality would be an exhausting burden, especially after there is no one left alive who even knew me. But ... I don't want to lose myself. Not again. I would only want to stay dead if I could retain who I am."
He had once said he did not fear death, for he had already seen Hell. And not the Hell of any mythical fire and brimstone, but his own personal Hell, experienced over years of loneliness and pain and anguish, and now that he was sane again, guilt and grief as well. He couldn't imagine the Hells of religion could be worse. But ... did he still think he didn't fear death? He had said that in another world, when he wasn't fully himself. And even then, his refusal to stay dead seemed to indicate a fear of it ... of being forgotten.
She nodded slowly, really taking in what he was saying. His reflection about the weight of immortality, seeing everyone you ever meet die and leave you alone to roam, all to avoid joining everyone in what is told to be a peaceful and meaningful existence in the Lifestream, merging with the very planet itself.
At least how Cissnei understood it. She could be wrong, but she kind of liked keeping that tiny flame of hope alive, that maybe it was as good a, if not better, existence.
Little comforts.
"Staying here, living while everyone else dies, they will lose their memories of you in the Lifestream anyway, and each new generation who lives alongside you will know you less and less. I don't know if there's a better option, or even a good option. Maybe all we can do is enjoy what we have while we have it."
She shrugged faintly, tearing off a piece of her bread roll and scooping up some stew with it. Her expression was pensive as she chewed, wondering about those she knew who had passed on - if they were restless or at peace.
Sephiroth failed to understand how losing oneself could ever be a good existence for the person in question. But he didn't really think he could have a good existence anywhere anyway. Not now.
"It depends on if they choose to assimilate or not," he said. "It is possible to be in the Lifestream without doing that." He sighed and shook his head. "Of course ... now that I am sane again and understand all that I have done, I can't fathom why anyone would want to remember me. I wouldn't force it on anyone, as I tried to when I was out of my mind."
He stared off into the distance. "Enjoying what you have is a good philosophy to an extent. But then it's gone and you weren't ready to let it go and you're left pining for what was ... what could have been."
He still ached for Angeal and Genesis, but really moreso for Zack, the only one who hadn't left him and hadn't betrayed him. Sephiroth would never forgive himself for, as he felt, betraying Zack.
Pining was exactly what it was. The sharp pain of missing something in all it's unresolvedness, in all the lost potential, memories of something that couldn't be recreated because it would only feel like a cheap impression.
"It's unfair," she agreed to an extent she wouldn't fully share or explain. "But I think I don't mind the idea of just vanishing. That one day, my number is up and what comes after is not for me to control. Being remembered isn't something I crave. To be honest, I think being forgotten is what I deserve."
A bit darker and more vulnerable than she had initially intended, but the words had just tumbled out of her. She had turned her life around and had achieved good things here in Gongaga after everything that happened. All the misery and distrust and secret operations. Surveillance, kidnapping, wiretapping - failing someone in need.
She could spend the rest of her life working to rebuild the world, town by town, but she doubted she'd ever forgive herself for what happened to Zack. The guilt is a consequence that she must endure so that it'll never happen again.
“Hm. While I can’t say I understand wanting that, I do understand feeling it’s what you deserve. I suppose I feel the same about myself now. Everyone would be better off forgetting me. But I don’t want to forget. Not again. I should remember every horrible thing I did, not blissfully and ignorantly forget my wretched existence. To remember the suffering I caused others, even if they forget … is only just and right.”
Perhaps true, perhaps just the product of a heartbroken, grieving man devastated over coming back to himself and fully seeing and understanding the calamities caused. That was never what he had wanted. He had only wanted to protect in his right mind. Now he didn’t know how to deal with his colossal failure in that regard.
"I hope you don't take this the wrong way but... I don't think you'll be forgotten any time soon. I think you'll be in the history books for a while, as a cautionary tale."
She regarded him for a few moments - this enigmatic legend, in the seeming flesh, across her modest kitchen table.
"And the guilt you carry... isn't yours entirely to bear. We both have responsibility for what we partook in, but we didn't design the circumstances. We had powerful enablers who limited our options to make wiser choices. Spending the last three-ish years out here, I've come to some realizations. One, I never knew as much as Shinra made me believe I was privy to. Two, the world is small, but it's big enough to allow you space to redeem yourself if you so wish. And three, even on days where I wanna forget and be forgotten, I never forget the value of remembering. Remembering those who were honorable. Those who fought. Those who rose up against the worst and challenged it. Remembering that in every mistake, even in gruesome acts, a lesson can be learned. Wisdom can be found, even if the cost seems too high to ever be forgiven."
She laid her spoon down in her empty bowl and picked up the rest of the bread roll to tear off a piece.
"Hmm." He listened, thoughtful. "We have that in common, then ... not knowing as much about Shinra as we thought we did." Learning the full truth had broken him.
And a quiet nod. "I would like to do good again, but I have no hopes or beliefs that I could redeem myself after all the evils I committed. I don't excuse myself even though I wasn't sane. Nothing can repair the hearts I broke ... the lives I took. I ... wish I hadn't gained wisdom at such a cost. But such wishes are useless since they change nothing. I wonder if there is any way to use the full extent of my abilities for good."
And he wondered how much Cissnei was aware he could do. Much of what he had learned had been in the Lifestream. Did she know he had more wings than one?
While she chewed on the last piece of her bread, a pensive look settled over her face. To an extent, she agreed that wishing and hoping wasn't going to really change anything. It wasn't going to convince anybody to give him, or her, a second chance. But belief and direct action just might.
"You're right. Wishing it'll get better won't do anything. But if you believe it will, and put that belief into every action you take from this moment on, things will change. Start small. Physical labour. Help the locals with menial things. I had the benefit of not having as....striking an appearance? So once I switched from my, honestly fabulous, suit to something more common, half the work was done."
It was a serious moment, sitting opposite of the man who burned a whole city to the ground and killed everyone in it. Unspeakable. Her own role in it was quiet, in the aftermath, putting the pieces together and doing damage control. Her hands weren't covered in soot, but they smelled like a bonfire. In spite of the context, she put forward a small smile.
"Braided hair and a new outfit, you could start turning it around tomorrow." Most of the world had moved on from what happened in Nibelheim five years ago, and a lot of that was due to Shinra investing time, money and manpower into covering it up.
More menacingly, the company that raised her and gave her a chance in this life would always find a way to shift and displace attention.
The recent sector 7 collapse was a devastating display of that. They could use the help but it was unwise to put Sephiroth that close to the source of all his woes.
North Corel was an option. Another victim of Shinra, though often overlooked. He could definitely find honest work there.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2026-03-07 11:53 am (UTC)That certainly hadn't taken the sinister turn she was bracing for, even if he sounded more than a little ominous in claiming to know where Cloud is. If he did, then he already knew more than Cissnei.
Usually, the word of a SOLDIER was to be taken as the solemn truth - their training demanding about an equal amount of loyalty as a turk. So, with a for-the-time lack of evidence to to the contrary, Cissnei nodded at his prompt to find the goat.
Poor little thing, too adventurous for his own good.
"This way," came her ambivalent gesture of temporary trust. The steep slope to their left ended in a vernal pool. Perfect for a rambunctious kid to get his sillies out and splash around and scare the frogs. Sure enough, she spotted him down there, standing in the middle of the pool—not that deep for her or Sephiroth, but to a three month old goat, it was deep enough to distress him. Even his stomach was partially submerged—likely he'd been jumping around, playing, and gotten stuck in the soft bed of the water.
She looked around for a branch or something, but it seemed like her best option was just walk out there and pick him up.
"I'll go. You can—" was she about to instruct the Sephiroth to do something? Well, she'd started it, so she'd better finish, "—you can stay there and if he bolts your way, just... grab him? Gently?"
She began wading into the pool, aptly estimating the depth to be, at most around knee height for her. "Hey lil guy, what did ya think you were gonna get up to out here, huh? What did I tell you about chasing frogs? Ugh, don't gimme that look, your cuteness won't help you now," she said with a stern fondness, only earning an almost apologetic whine back from the animal.
When trying to lift him, she could hear the sopping vacuum that has a hold of his feet and she grunted as she had to reach into the pool and pull out the legs individually. Not surprisingly, the baby goat grew impatient and stressed—fretting and crying. With three legs free, he bucked away from Cissnei and made a run to get out of the pool, leaving the former turk wet, sweaty and frustrated.
"Please grab him!"
no subject
Date: 2026-03-07 09:58 pm (UTC)Saving a goat?
He had followed Cissnei and then stood where she requested, not seeming to find it inappropriate for her to tell him what to do. After all, this was her area and she knew it, and she likely knew how to catch goats.
When the goat suddenly tried to get away again, Sephiroth snapped to attention and gently reached for him, at the same time bending down and trying to speak soothingly to him. Would he calm down enough for Sephiroth to be able to get him and hold on to him? Sephiroth wasn't sure. Animals were supposed to be able to sense people's true natures, after all. His presence should make the animal want to run even more.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-08 11:50 am (UTC)The world just kept getting stranger, the older she got.
"Thank you..." she spoke, after a moment of silence. "I can take him from here." The small animal was her problem to begin with it and it was her own fault for letting him get away in the first place. She cooed at the much calmer kid, a little surprised that he wasn't freaking out over being held by a stranger.
Maybe something really had changed in Sephiroth?
Holding the goat and bouncing him softly, Cissnei glanced at the towering soldier before her. "Do you..." the question died on her lips and she started again, "Are you hungry or anything?"
no subject
Date: 2026-03-08 03:24 pm (UTC)Or maybe it was the first step on the road to healing.
He nodded, holding the goat out for her to take.
"I ... suppose it has been a long time since I ate," he said awkwardly at the question. "I wouldn't want to impose...."
no subject
Date: 2026-03-08 04:25 pm (UTC)Would she survive it? Maybe, maybe not.
Then again, perhaps offering some hospitality would better her chances. Redemption isn't something one can achieve alone. Someone has to reciprocate and extend some trust to go with that second chance, if it's going to work.
"I make probably the shittiest food in all of Gongaga, so you might be taking the bigger risk here," she attempted to joke to lighten the tension a little. Her stew might only be barely better than military rations, but she had improved since Cloud and his party came through here. The optimism that lingered after Aerith's gentle help had been a great resource for Cissnei to improve her talents in the kitchen. Every meal, she sent some thoughts to the Cetra and hoped she was okay out there.
Instead of the short-cut, Cissnei led them along the tried and trusted path and sooner rather than later, they reached the top of the incline and Cissnei's little homestead was within sight.
"How, uh... how long have you been...back?" It felt silly and surreal to ask but the question had been burning in the back of her head since he said he came out of a portal.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-08 07:17 pm (UTC)He appreciates the offer, even though he doesn't think he deserves the kindness at all. But it means a lot to him that she is willing to extend that much.
He follows, allowing himself to wonder how many times Zack traveled this path. Zack must have gone everywhere in such a small village, after all. What was his favorite spot?
"It's ... been a while," he admits. "After the last time I was abducted by gods from another realm, I just stayed on near the town of Edge."
A bizarre thing to say, but he doesn't seem to care. Talking of his atrocities would be much more difficult.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 09:57 am (UTC)Abducted by Gods? Okay. For all she knew, it was the acronym of some new extremist group, or sect that had popped up in the wake of the world post-Nibelheim incident. As a turk, she had seen some weird shit and put some pretty damn wild things in her reports - but after leaving that behind, the world just seemed even weirder. A little more magical and forgiving, but still weird.
"Edge, huh? Don't I've heard of that place. Is it far from Kalm? I haven't really been out east in a while. I came to Gongaga after the reactor exploded, initially just as part of the relief effort. Y'know, turk-guilt and all that, but...it became my home. Since then, I've been busy with the Youth Coalition here, keeping threats out and working on... well, you can see," she nodded her head toward the little enclosure where a mother goat is eager to be reunited with her little one. Next to it was a modest chicken coup and a water pump.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 10:21 am (UTC)Definitely a weird situation, made weirder by the fact that it had happened several times now. He was honestly tired of it.
"... Yes, Edge is near Kalm," he said carefully, wondering how much to reveal. Did she not know about Meteor for some reason? He had passed through a portal. Had Meteor not happened here? Or ... not happened here yet? There were so many possibilities.
He listened, nodding slowly. "I can see you must love it here, to put down such roots." He assumed she didn't have to live here, but fully chose to.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 10:44 am (UTC)"It's nice," she looked around and leaned against the gate a little, after letting the baby goat in to join his mother and father. Her thoughts drifted to the Fairs and how she failed their son. In her worst nightmares, he's out there, alone, surrounded, thinking nobody is coming for him. In dreams, the helicopter makes it there in time and they fly away into the sunset. She's not sure which is worse, the nightmare or the dream.
"The community here is great. I never imagined a place where someone like me would get such a warm welcome. I guess... people can surprise you." She looked over at Sephiroth, wondering if he might have a similar experience. Feeling unworthy everywhere, like the world is better without you, hoping there's a place out there that might still welcome you home.
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 10:57 am (UTC)He does feel like that, all the time. The world in general, his world in specific (a person, not a place) ... everything and everyone would be better without him. He can't imagine anyone knowing everything he's done and still welcoming him. If Cissnei really doesn't know what happened after Nibelheim ... well, he can't imagine her being kind to him if she did.
Should he tell her? If this isn't his dimension, things might be playing out differently. If it's in the past, it still might play out the same. Or could the past be changed if he told?
no subject
Date: 2026-03-09 12:47 pm (UTC)"Not exactly. They know I'm from Midgar and that I have some vague military training or knowledge. I want to keep it that way." She looked squarely at Sephiroth to punctuate that intention. Her self-worth was left frail and crooked after everything she saw and did and knew as a turk. She may have been on the road to recover her value as a civilian, but she still had a long way to go before she felt like she could share the true nature of her past.
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Date: 2026-03-09 02:49 pm (UTC)"I will do all I can to not give you away," he said. "But I may be recognized on sight and then they will realize we know each other somehow. Perhaps I should leave."
The last thing he wanted was to cause trouble when he didn't even mean to. By and large, Gaia didn't even know he was supposed to be dead. Some didn't even know it was his fault about Meteor. But many still remembered him and what he looked like.
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Date: 2026-03-09 04:06 pm (UTC)Cissnei didn't get visitors.
"You have time to get a warm meal in you," she assured him against her better judgement. He seemed fairly lucid and even-tempered, which was a good start and far more benign than the legacy that usually preceded the mention of his name in certain circles.
She led the way to the entrance of her woodsy cabin and lit a few lamps as she made her way toward the kitchen nook. In the hearth, a deep iron casserole sat at a bubbling simmer and Cissnei stirred it before going to the cupboard the get two bowls.
"Do you have any idea why the Lifestream wouldn't... hold you?" That was the word he'd used. Hold. Was he saying he could not be contained? I have never let it he said. Could willpower really influence the nature of the Lifestream? Was it a combination of everything? She grabbed three bread rolls, putting two in Sephiroth's bowl and the last one in her own. Carefully, she laid three scoops of stew in each bowl before setting them down on the table and nodding at Sephiroth to have a seat.
Her whole concept of how the Lifestream worked felt like it was being shifted off it's axis. It was a widely accepted fact that when life expired, it joined the Lifestream and was absorbed by it, returning to the planet. She and most others took that to mean as energy, as life-force. People didn't return to the planet...alive, did they? Then there'd be passed on loved ones walking all over.
No, there had to be some other explanation.
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Date: 2026-03-09 07:30 pm (UTC)"I hope I will not cause you trouble," he said.
How curious for someone to choose to live so simply in a modern age. He looked around the cabin, almost feeling transported to another era.
Then he looked at the food with relish. He was definitely hungry. Everything looked and smelled wonderful to him. He sat down and carefully removed his gloves.
"I refused to be dead," he said. "I suppose I was the worst kind of restless spirit ... one who could actually do something about it. That is one effect of the Jenova cells, at least with me."
Cells that enabled life to continue, combined with Sephiroth's will, were quite a combination.
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Date: 2026-03-09 09:12 pm (UTC)It was intriguing that he also believed the Jenova cells to be a contributing factor, but she wasn't sure she was ready to pick the scab off those wounds yet. Maybe some souls did find rest in there, even if they had Jenova cells in them.
"What was it like there?" Juvenile and naïve to ask, perhaps, but speaking to someone returned from the dead, essentially, wasn't exactly commonplace. She'd always regret it if she didn't.
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Date: 2026-03-09 09:19 pm (UTC)He had seen people there with the cells who preferred to stay there, which was something he didn't really understand.
"It was ... very green," he deadpanned. "Sometimes white. I saw those who tried to convince the spirits to fully assimilate into the Lifestream and lose their individuality. Some finally agreed, while others did not. I wanted no part of that. I spent years forced to pretend to be what Shinra wanted me to be. I wasn't about to lose myself the rest of the way when I was finally free of them."
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Date: 2026-03-12 09:35 am (UTC)She, as a still living being, had no right to ask about what awaits after death.
Did she?
A more selfish part of her believed she did, but she'd seen where selfishness could take a person. The mad pursuit of one's own conviction. It was rarely a good place.
"Do you want to be alive forever?" she asked him, voice softening to shave some of the corners off her blunt question.
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Date: 2026-03-12 09:50 am (UTC)He pondered the question. "I don't know," he said. "I believe eventually immortality would be an exhausting burden, especially after there is no one left alive who even knew me. But ... I don't want to lose myself. Not again. I would only want to stay dead if I could retain who I am."
He had once said he did not fear death, for he had already seen Hell. And not the Hell of any mythical fire and brimstone, but his own personal Hell, experienced over years of loneliness and pain and anguish, and now that he was sane again, guilt and grief as well. He couldn't imagine the Hells of religion could be worse. But ... did he still think he didn't fear death? He had said that in another world, when he wasn't fully himself. And even then, his refusal to stay dead seemed to indicate a fear of it ... of being forgotten.
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Date: 2026-03-12 10:13 am (UTC)At least how Cissnei understood it. She could be wrong, but she kind of liked keeping that tiny flame of hope alive, that maybe it was as good a, if not better, existence.
Little comforts.
"Staying here, living while everyone else dies, they will lose their memories of you in the Lifestream anyway, and each new generation who lives alongside you will know you less and less. I don't know if there's a better option, or even a good option. Maybe all we can do is enjoy what we have while we have it."
She shrugged faintly, tearing off a piece of her bread roll and scooping up some stew with it. Her expression was pensive as she chewed, wondering about those she knew who had passed on - if they were restless or at peace.
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Date: 2026-03-12 10:21 am (UTC)"It depends on if they choose to assimilate or not," he said. "It is possible to be in the Lifestream without doing that." He sighed and shook his head. "Of course ... now that I am sane again and understand all that I have done, I can't fathom why anyone would want to remember me. I wouldn't force it on anyone, as I tried to when I was out of my mind."
He stared off into the distance. "Enjoying what you have is a good philosophy to an extent. But then it's gone and you weren't ready to let it go and you're left pining for what was ... what could have been."
He still ached for Angeal and Genesis, but really moreso for Zack, the only one who hadn't left him and hadn't betrayed him. Sephiroth would never forgive himself for, as he felt, betraying Zack.
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Date: 2026-03-12 10:35 am (UTC)"It's unfair," she agreed to an extent she wouldn't fully share or explain. "But I think I don't mind the idea of just vanishing. That one day, my number is up and what comes after is not for me to control. Being remembered isn't something I crave. To be honest, I think being forgotten is what I deserve."
A bit darker and more vulnerable than she had initially intended, but the words had just tumbled out of her. She had turned her life around and had achieved good things here in Gongaga after everything that happened. All the misery and distrust and secret operations. Surveillance, kidnapping, wiretapping - failing someone in need.
She could spend the rest of her life working to rebuild the world, town by town, but she doubted she'd ever forgive herself for what happened to Zack. The guilt is a consequence that she must endure so that it'll never happen again.
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Date: 2026-03-12 10:58 am (UTC)Perhaps true, perhaps just the product of a heartbroken, grieving man devastated over coming back to himself and fully seeing and understanding the calamities caused. That was never what he had wanted. He had only wanted to protect in his right mind. Now he didn’t know how to deal with his colossal failure in that regard.
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Date: 2026-03-14 12:22 pm (UTC)She regarded him for a few moments - this enigmatic legend, in the seeming flesh, across her modest kitchen table.
"And the guilt you carry... isn't yours entirely to bear. We both have responsibility for what we partook in, but we didn't design the circumstances. We had powerful enablers who limited our options to make wiser choices. Spending the last three-ish years out here, I've come to some realizations. One, I never knew as much as Shinra made me believe I was privy to. Two, the world is small, but it's big enough to allow you space to redeem yourself if you so wish. And three, even on days where I wanna forget and be forgotten, I never forget the value of remembering. Remembering those who were honorable. Those who fought. Those who rose up against the worst and challenged it. Remembering that in every mistake, even in gruesome acts, a lesson can be learned. Wisdom can be found, even if the cost seems too high to ever be forgiven."
She laid her spoon down in her empty bowl and picked up the rest of the bread roll to tear off a piece.
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Date: 2026-03-14 08:52 pm (UTC)"Hmm." He listened, thoughtful. "We have that in common, then ... not knowing as much about Shinra as we thought we did." Learning the full truth had broken him.
And a quiet nod. "I would like to do good again, but I have no hopes or beliefs that I could redeem myself after all the evils I committed. I don't excuse myself even though I wasn't sane. Nothing can repair the hearts I broke ... the lives I took. I ... wish I hadn't gained wisdom at such a cost. But such wishes are useless since they change nothing. I wonder if there is any way to use the full extent of my abilities for good."
And he wondered how much Cissnei was aware he could do. Much of what he had learned had been in the Lifestream. Did she know he had more wings than one?
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Date: 2026-03-16 09:27 am (UTC)"You're right. Wishing it'll get better won't do anything. But if you believe it will, and put that belief into every action you take from this moment on, things will change. Start small. Physical labour. Help the locals with menial things. I had the benefit of not having as....striking an appearance? So once I switched from my, honestly fabulous, suit to something more common, half the work was done."
It was a serious moment, sitting opposite of the man who burned a whole city to the ground and killed everyone in it. Unspeakable. Her own role in it was quiet, in the aftermath, putting the pieces together and doing damage control. Her hands weren't covered in soot, but they smelled like a bonfire. In spite of the context, she put forward a small smile.
"Braided hair and a new outfit, you could start turning it around tomorrow." Most of the world had moved on from what happened in Nibelheim five years ago, and a lot of that was due to Shinra investing time, money and manpower into covering it up.
More menacingly, the company that raised her and gave her a chance in this life would always find a way to shift and displace attention.
The recent sector 7 collapse was a devastating display of that. They could use the help but it was unwise to put Sephiroth that close to the source of all his woes.
North Corel was an option. Another victim of Shinra, though often overlooked. He could definitely find honest work there.
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