Sephiroth knew he had indeed been preyed upon. But in his insanity he had felt he had gotten control over her. Had he really? Or had she tricked him into thinking he had gotten control? He doesn't even know. And he still doesn't think it's an excuse for himself even if it possibly is true.
He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
"Yeah, it puts a bitter taste in my mouth too. I don't like it," Cloud admitted. Though it would be pretty hypocritical of him too. Sure, he was pulled into Sephiroth's orbit. However, Sephiroth's crimes were not his alone. Cloud assisted. It was Cloud that got the Black Materia out. It was Cloud that had brought the materia to Sephiroth. Aerith was gone because it was Cloud that made it all necessary.
Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
Poisoned honey was a very good description. Sephiroth had indeed wanted someone on his side that badly. But ... in his desperate desire for a mother, he had pushed away the one person who might have been able to help him.
Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
Sephiroth, while a bit melancholic about it, seemed to be more put together now. Claiming that he remembered everything must mean that the fog and confusion was starting to wear off. Cloud was a little on edge to hear it, but at the same time? He needed to come to terms with the fact that Sephiroth was staying in control of himself. There was no shift or change in his demeanor that would have indicated spiraling towards insanity.
"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
Sephiroth definitely remembered more now. It was more and more horrible the more he remembered. But he was resigned to it by now.
"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
"Technically speaking... I'm not happy about it either," Cloud admitted. "It would be easier to just kill you and keep doing things like we're used to."
However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
Where would they go to find something like that? Cloud wasn't someone that was able to just talk to the planet. He wasn't someone who would be able to find answers that way. There was a slight chance that if he sat still, in silence, maybe Aerith would speak to him again. However, Cloud was pretty sure that after the last time, it was also a goodbye.
There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
"Just saying... One of your remnants actually did kill me and I was just spat back out."
Cloud shrugged. It was a surefire way to know if death would be accepted or not. Then again, when Reno visited the bar he liked to call Cloud the planet's "most special boy." Right before Cloud threw him out, of course.
What he wasn't able to deny, however, was the connection that Sephiroth now had with the planet. Sure, he wasn't an Ancient. Yet he found a way to gain some control over it. Unfortunately, it was their best lead.
"So we really just need to find a place where the Lifestream runs close to the planet's surface."
"I know," Sephiroth said. But he wasn't thrilled with the thought of testing it. As much as he hated himself now that he was sane, he was alive and rather wanted to stay that way. The Planet might not appreciate them deliberately toying with that.
"I can think of two places," he said. "The town where Tifa was taking care of you ... and the Northern Crater."
"Crater is out of the question," Cloud immediately shot back, eyes narrowed. Sephiroth would have expect that reaction. Though now Cloud knew that the man remembered everything.
Something about that didn't feel quite right. Cloud felt like there was at least one other location. Somewhere in the back of his memory was another place. Memories from his time being taken care of by Zack, back when he was still suffering from mako poisoning, but he recalled that Zack left him at some point.
"We'll start with Mideel," he answered. "Won't be able to get there by bike though."
Sephiroth nodded. He didn't really want to go back there either. Didn't want to face all that had happened there and all he had done there. Perhaps, even ... he was afraid to go back there, afraid that Jenova might get him again.
Another place.... Perhaps he would remember it too in time; some things were still a little fuzzy.
"We could go as far as we can by motorcycle and then ..." A bit of a smirk. "We could fly the rest of the way." He moved his wing a bit. Probably also out of the question, but it was an option. If they tried something else, like an airship, they'd have to bring other people in on what they were doing, surely. He wasn't a pilot.
It would be hard for Cloud to imagine that Sephiroth was capable of something like fear. The two simply didn't go together, as far as the blonde was concerned. At least he didn't have to argue over the location that they'd be heading in. Cloud was already flipping his phone open to type up a message to Tifa and the kids. He was just hoping that no one thought to ask him too much since he was going to check in.
Then his head shot up at the mention of flying. Augh. The scowl on Cloud's face and his eyeroll made it clear what he thought of that. Unfortunately -
He watched Cloud type, and he wasn't terribly surprised that Cloud did not like the thought of flying. But one way or another, they would probably have to fly part of the way there, either on wing or by airship.
"Very well," he said.
Finally he got out of the chair and moved to the couch instead. After dusting it off, he laid down on it. "We should rest. We'll have a long day tomorrow." He paused. "What are you telling Tifa about all this?" He wouldn't ask, except that it of course involved him.
Cloud was aware of the fact that they would need to fly. He knew that, but didn't have to like it at this point either. There was also just the simple fact that Cloud didn't want to think about the fact that he would have to put his life in Sephiroth's hands. Or, well. Wing in this case.
The other thing he didn't really want to think about was how Tifa and the others would react. This was something he was going to keep to himself. For now.
"Nothing yet. Right now I'm just saying that I picked up an extra errand."
Let them figure out the answers first. Then Cloud would tell Tifa and the others what was going on. They'd worry too much otherwise.
"More importantly, it sounds like something I would do."
At random, that was. Cloud, even to this day, found it hard to refuse the requests of others. If someone asked something of him, he would do his best to follow through. With as broken as the planet still was, it made sense that he would stop along the way to help someone out.
Now, Sephiroth was correct about something: the need to rest. Cloud now had a lot to think about and Sephiroth himself apparently needed time to recover. Granted, the blonde didn't think he was going to actually rest at all, but he would at least lean against a wall and close his eyes.
Cloud's compassion had often been, and still was, almost unbelievable to Sephiroth. The fact that Cloud could extend any to him, of all people, was staggering and humbling.
He looked over at Cloud. "You should at least sit down somewhere and try to sleep. We should start out tomorrow, if we can."
Hopefully by then he would feel up to the long journey to Mideel. He'd always had particularly high endurance, and that had increased after absorbing the knowledge of the Lifestream. But suddenly being purified of insanity and evil alien parasites' hold on his mind and left with the knowledge of everything horrible he'd done had taken a lot out of him.
Of course it went without saying that Cloud didn't necessarily want to extend any compassion to the man before him. There were a lot of people out there that had suffered because of this man and Jenovah. However, the Turks caused the Plate to fall and now they occasionally visited the bar ( don't think for a moment that Cloud didn't recognize the reason why Rude would come by as often as he did ). They were working to help rebuild the world, even Rufus. Cloud even asked if atonement was possible... And if it was something that was obtainable, then who was he to say who deserved that chance and who didn't?
One of his eyes opened, looking at Sephiroth telling him to sleep. Yeah, that wasn't likely going to happen any time soon. He didn't trust this enough to let his guard down completely.
"Last I checked, you're not my commanding officer anymore." Cloud huffed. "Don't worry about it."
Sephiroth would definitely understand that Cloud wouldn’t want to show him compassion even though he did. But that still made it amazing to him that he did anyway.
“Heh. Alright, Cloud. I won’t tell you what to do.” Sephiroth sighed, wondering if he would sleep either. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. If he did manage to sleep, he might just slip into nightmares.
((OOC: Do you want to timeskip to morning or keep going at night?))
(( ooc: can skip to morning unless you have something you want to play out at night ))
The nightmares would probably be a given. Even now, Cloud dealt with his own from time to time. He wasn't entirely prepared for Sephiroth to have them as well. However, if he did? Then Cloud would have to try to do something about them as well.
Wouldn't do for Sephiroth to, well. Become destructive in his sleep.
Sephiroth finally did fall asleep. That lasted for … probably not very long. It had been so long since he had actually slept…. His mind was definitely going overtime now that he was sleeping.
He awoke after a while with a gasp, staring at the ceiling, his wing flying out from around him again. He breathed heavily, trying to fully come back to the present situation. Then he just groaned, covering his face with a hand.
Really, Cloud was a light sleeper. Rather, that was what his sleeping had turned into the last few years. Thus when Sephiroth started to move around, Cloud was immediately awake. Tense. He was prepared for the worst case scenario...
Yet all he saw was a tired man waking from a nightmare. Likely reliving what had transpired the last few years. Who knew when that would finally stop. Maybe when Sephiroth came to terms with it and accepted what happened then the nightmares would fade. Never completely, but enough. Even if it wasn't really what he wanted to do, it was still his hand.
Cloud's eyes still watched him, slightly glowing in the darkness as those with mako usually do. "The fire?"
“It started with that. Then fighting Zack … and you…. And watching Meteor head for the Planet.” Sephiroth sighed. He missed Zack. Angeal and Genesis leaving had seemed the worst crisis possible. But it had got ever so much worse. Right now, remembering everything, he wondered if it could ever get better.
Was there even much point trying to sleep more? He was exhausted, but dreaming about what he’d done was even more exhausting.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2024-10-19 08:52 pm (UTC)He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
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Date: 2024-10-19 09:18 pm (UTC)Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
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Date: 2024-10-19 09:34 pm (UTC)Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
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Date: 2024-10-19 09:48 pm (UTC)"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
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Date: 2024-10-19 09:55 pm (UTC)"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:13 pm (UTC)However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
And do.
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:29 pm (UTC)A smirk, a ghost of the insane Sephiroth. But it's gone again. Just a tired, wry smirk.
He's so used to betrayal that it's his first thought. He will probably find it shocking that it isn't something Cloud has to worry about.
"And how do you think we can find answers, Cloud? Where will we go for that?"
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:42 pm (UTC)There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:50 pm (UTC)"I'll pass."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:58 pm (UTC)Cloud shrugged. It was a surefire way to know if death would be accepted or not. Then again, when Reno visited the bar he liked to call Cloud the planet's "most special boy." Right before Cloud threw him out, of course.
What he wasn't able to deny, however, was the connection that Sephiroth now had with the planet. Sure, he wasn't an Ancient. Yet he found a way to gain some control over it. Unfortunately, it was their best lead.
"So we really just need to find a place where the Lifestream runs close to the planet's surface."
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Date: 2024-10-19 11:05 pm (UTC)"I can think of two places," he said. "The town where Tifa was taking care of you ... and the Northern Crater."
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Date: 2024-10-19 11:22 pm (UTC)Something about that didn't feel quite right. Cloud felt like there was at least one other location. Somewhere in the back of his memory was another place. Memories from his time being taken care of by Zack, back when he was still suffering from mako poisoning, but he recalled that Zack left him at some point.
"We'll start with Mideel," he answered. "Won't be able to get there by bike though."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 11:29 pm (UTC)Another place.... Perhaps he would remember it too in time; some things were still a little fuzzy.
"We could go as far as we can by motorcycle and then ..." A bit of a smirk. "We could fly the rest of the way." He moved his wing a bit. Probably also out of the question, but it was an option. If they tried something else, like an airship, they'd have to bring other people in on what they were doing, surely. He wasn't a pilot.
apologies! long week was long and i lost track of time
Date: 2024-10-27 02:10 am (UTC)Then his head shot up at the mention of flying. Augh. The scowl on Cloud's face and his eyeroll made it clear what he thought of that. Unfortunately -
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."
That's okay!
Date: 2024-10-27 02:28 am (UTC)He watched Cloud type, and he wasn't terribly surprised that Cloud did not like the thought of flying. But one way or another, they would probably have to fly part of the way there, either on wing or by airship.
"Very well," he said.
Finally he got out of the chair and moved to the couch instead. After dusting it off, he laid down on it. "We should rest. We'll have a long day tomorrow." He paused. "What are you telling Tifa about all this?" He wouldn't ask, except that it of course involved him.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-28 03:43 am (UTC)The other thing he didn't really want to think about was how Tifa and the others would react. This was something he was going to keep to himself. For now.
"Nothing yet. Right now I'm just saying that I picked up an extra errand."
Let them figure out the answers first. Then Cloud would tell Tifa and the others what was going on. They'd worry too much otherwise.
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Date: 2024-10-28 04:01 am (UTC)He smirks a bit. "That sounds innocuous enough."
He starts to lower his wing over himself as a blanket.
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Date: 2024-10-28 04:48 am (UTC)At random, that was. Cloud, even to this day, found it hard to refuse the requests of others. If someone asked something of him, he would do his best to follow through. With as broken as the planet still was, it made sense that he would stop along the way to help someone out.
Now, Sephiroth was correct about something: the need to rest. Cloud now had a lot to think about and Sephiroth himself apparently needed time to recover. Granted, the blonde didn't think he was going to actually rest at all, but he would at least lean against a wall and close his eyes.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-28 04:56 am (UTC)Cloud's compassion had often been, and still was, almost unbelievable to Sephiroth. The fact that Cloud could extend any to him, of all people, was staggering and humbling.
He looked over at Cloud. "You should at least sit down somewhere and try to sleep. We should start out tomorrow, if we can."
Hopefully by then he would feel up to the long journey to Mideel. He'd always had particularly high endurance, and that had increased after absorbing the knowledge of the Lifestream. But suddenly being purified of insanity and evil alien parasites' hold on his mind and left with the knowledge of everything horrible he'd done had taken a lot out of him.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-04 01:45 am (UTC)One of his eyes opened, looking at Sephiroth telling him to sleep. Yeah, that wasn't likely going to happen any time soon. He didn't trust this enough to let his guard down completely.
"Last I checked, you're not my commanding officer anymore." Cloud huffed. "Don't worry about it."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-04 01:55 am (UTC)“Heh. Alright, Cloud. I won’t tell you what to do.” Sephiroth sighed, wondering if he would sleep either. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. If he did manage to sleep, he might just slip into nightmares.
((OOC: Do you want to timeskip to morning or keep going at night?))
no subject
Date: 2024-11-04 02:17 am (UTC)The nightmares would probably be a given. Even now, Cloud dealt with his own from time to time. He wasn't entirely prepared for Sephiroth to have them as well. However, if he did? Then Cloud would have to try to do something about them as well.
Wouldn't do for Sephiroth to, well. Become destructive in his sleep.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-04 02:32 am (UTC)Sephiroth finally did fall asleep. That lasted for … probably not very long. It had been so long since he had actually slept…. His mind was definitely going overtime now that he was sleeping.
He awoke after a while with a gasp, staring at the ceiling, his wing flying out from around him again. He breathed heavily, trying to fully come back to the present situation. Then he just groaned, covering his face with a hand.
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Date: 2024-11-04 03:03 am (UTC)Yet all he saw was a tired man waking from a nightmare. Likely reliving what had transpired the last few years. Who knew when that would finally stop. Maybe when Sephiroth came to terms with it and accepted what happened then the nightmares would fade. Never completely, but enough. Even if it wasn't really what he wanted to do, it was still his hand.
Cloud's eyes still watched him, slightly glowing in the darkness as those with mako usually do. "The fire?"
no subject
Date: 2024-11-04 03:18 am (UTC)Was there even much point trying to sleep more? He was exhausted, but dreaming about what he’d done was even more exhausting.
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