Sephiroth stumbles, somehow managing to stay upright while Cloud is trying so hard to help him. It's a relief to collapse into the chair, small or not, and he slumps back with a groan, his wing sweeping out behind him and probably stirring up a ton of dust. World's largest feather duster.
"Ugh.... I'm sorry...." He holds a hand to his head. "I don't know what happened to me.... As soon as I'm well again, I'll leave. I won't bother you again, Cloud...."
Are a few more memories coming back? It's hard to say.
All of this was so unsettling. It made Cloud scoff and look off to the side. "Just stop. Stop saying you're sorry. No matter how much you say it, it won't change what happened."
Of course it was also uncomfortable for another reason. It sounded too much like himself, when he was at his worst. When Cloud would spend countless hours in the church, begging for forgiveness. He distanced himself from everyone for such a long time because of the guilt that was eating him alive from the inside out.
"I already said that I'm not letting you out of my sight so stop."
Sephiroth is silent for a long time. “I know,” he says at last. “I can never make up for what I did.” He won’t excuse himself because he was insane. For him, that’s not any excuse.
“… And what will you do with me, Cloud? We can’t stay here forever.”
Clouded wanted to answer that silence. He wanted to bite out a 'of course you can't.' Why would someone like Sephiroth be forgiven? What sort of amends would he be capable of and would it ever be enough? However, the truth was -
"I'm not the one that can decide that."
Since it was the planet itself that Sephiroth had wronged. The very balance of life and death. Cloud wasn't so arrogant as to think that he could speak on the behalf of that. As angry as the man in front of him made Cloud, as much as he wanted Sephiroth to actually pay? It was easier to hold onto that when he was the egomaniac and not appearing more and more like the General that Cloud had looked up to at some point.
"Anyway..." he started, deciding not to touch on that subject. "I don't know yet. Thought you were faking all of this, but now I just don't know."
And, perhaps, the planet had already answered that by allowing Sephiroth to live again. But Sephiroth hasn’t thought in those terms and probably won’t, at least not for a long while.
“I’m not faking,” he says. “I did something … I can’t remember what … and then I was here again and could barely remember anything. I still don’t think I remember it all…. I just see fire…. A lot of fire….”
Cloud knew, from experience, that the Lifestream ( or Aerith's will ) did spit people back out. Thus he needed to accept if Sephiroth being here was also the will of the planet. That wasn't something that he, at the current moment, was ready to fully think about or get behind.
"Slow down or you're going to work yourself up again," Cloud huffed. He didn't necessarily want to talk about all of it anyway. What if speaking on it broke whatever spell this was?
That was the last thing he needed. Sephiroth to be how he was. How he had been for the last several years.
"Zack's gone, but that - shockingly - wasn't actually you," Cloud started. This. This was what he would choose to say. "Shinra - Hojo - found us both after. You, more than anyone, know what happens when that man gets a hold of people."
He’s silent for a long time—mourning his friend, perhaps—and then finally sighs sorrowfully. “I couldn’t stop it…. I tried…. I couldn’t get control of my body. The insane part of me was too strong. I tried so many times…. That feeling of utter helplessness … it was completely frightening … isolating.”
And he knows Cloud surely understands. Cloud had fought against being taken over too.
“Yet at the same time, I know it was me. I can’t separate myself from that monster. Genesis was right about me.” He looks away. “The perfect monster….”
A part of Cloud really did want to believe it, based on his own experience of losing his mind. He wanted to believe that it was more Jenovah than Sephiroth and the man in front of him really was simply lost. That Jenovah preyed upon that moment of weakness, of being worn down from the discovery of his own origins. Cloud understood how things like that could eat away at someone.
"Hojo is the perfect monster if you ask me," Cloud countered. "We're all just victims."
Though people suffered because of Sephiroth. Still, it wouldn't have happened at all if Hojo didn't want to play some sort of god. All of this talk about insanity and not being able to fight back... One had to wonder if the both of them really wanted to. Was the siren song of Jenovah for Sephiroth and the rage for Cloud just too much for them to really want to fight?
"Though I never thought you wanted to. Resist it. Resist her."
Sephiroth knew he had indeed been preyed upon. But in his insanity he had felt he had gotten control over her. Had he really? Or had she tricked him into thinking he had gotten control? He doesn't even know. And he still doesn't think it's an excuse for himself even if it possibly is true.
He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
"Yeah, it puts a bitter taste in my mouth too. I don't like it," Cloud admitted. Though it would be pretty hypocritical of him too. Sure, he was pulled into Sephiroth's orbit. However, Sephiroth's crimes were not his alone. Cloud assisted. It was Cloud that got the Black Materia out. It was Cloud that had brought the materia to Sephiroth. Aerith was gone because it was Cloud that made it all necessary.
Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
Poisoned honey was a very good description. Sephiroth had indeed wanted someone on his side that badly. But ... in his desperate desire for a mother, he had pushed away the one person who might have been able to help him.
Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
Sephiroth, while a bit melancholic about it, seemed to be more put together now. Claiming that he remembered everything must mean that the fog and confusion was starting to wear off. Cloud was a little on edge to hear it, but at the same time? He needed to come to terms with the fact that Sephiroth was staying in control of himself. There was no shift or change in his demeanor that would have indicated spiraling towards insanity.
"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
Sephiroth definitely remembered more now. It was more and more horrible the more he remembered. But he was resigned to it by now.
"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
"Technically speaking... I'm not happy about it either," Cloud admitted. "It would be easier to just kill you and keep doing things like we're used to."
However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
Where would they go to find something like that? Cloud wasn't someone that was able to just talk to the planet. He wasn't someone who would be able to find answers that way. There was a slight chance that if he sat still, in silence, maybe Aerith would speak to him again. However, Cloud was pretty sure that after the last time, it was also a goodbye.
There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
"Just saying... One of your remnants actually did kill me and I was just spat back out."
Cloud shrugged. It was a surefire way to know if death would be accepted or not. Then again, when Reno visited the bar he liked to call Cloud the planet's "most special boy." Right before Cloud threw him out, of course.
What he wasn't able to deny, however, was the connection that Sephiroth now had with the planet. Sure, he wasn't an Ancient. Yet he found a way to gain some control over it. Unfortunately, it was their best lead.
"So we really just need to find a place where the Lifestream runs close to the planet's surface."
"I know," Sephiroth said. But he wasn't thrilled with the thought of testing it. As much as he hated himself now that he was sane, he was alive and rather wanted to stay that way. The Planet might not appreciate them deliberately toying with that.
"I can think of two places," he said. "The town where Tifa was taking care of you ... and the Northern Crater."
"Crater is out of the question," Cloud immediately shot back, eyes narrowed. Sephiroth would have expect that reaction. Though now Cloud knew that the man remembered everything.
Something about that didn't feel quite right. Cloud felt like there was at least one other location. Somewhere in the back of his memory was another place. Memories from his time being taken care of by Zack, back when he was still suffering from mako poisoning, but he recalled that Zack left him at some point.
"We'll start with Mideel," he answered. "Won't be able to get there by bike though."
Sephiroth nodded. He didn't really want to go back there either. Didn't want to face all that had happened there and all he had done there. Perhaps, even ... he was afraid to go back there, afraid that Jenova might get him again.
Another place.... Perhaps he would remember it too in time; some things were still a little fuzzy.
"We could go as far as we can by motorcycle and then ..." A bit of a smirk. "We could fly the rest of the way." He moved his wing a bit. Probably also out of the question, but it was an option. If they tried something else, like an airship, they'd have to bring other people in on what they were doing, surely. He wasn't a pilot.
It would be hard for Cloud to imagine that Sephiroth was capable of something like fear. The two simply didn't go together, as far as the blonde was concerned. At least he didn't have to argue over the location that they'd be heading in. Cloud was already flipping his phone open to type up a message to Tifa and the kids. He was just hoping that no one thought to ask him too much since he was going to check in.
Then his head shot up at the mention of flying. Augh. The scowl on Cloud's face and his eyeroll made it clear what he thought of that. Unfortunately -
He watched Cloud type, and he wasn't terribly surprised that Cloud did not like the thought of flying. But one way or another, they would probably have to fly part of the way there, either on wing or by airship.
"Very well," he said.
Finally he got out of the chair and moved to the couch instead. After dusting it off, he laid down on it. "We should rest. We'll have a long day tomorrow." He paused. "What are you telling Tifa about all this?" He wouldn't ask, except that it of course involved him.
Cloud was aware of the fact that they would need to fly. He knew that, but didn't have to like it at this point either. There was also just the simple fact that Cloud didn't want to think about the fact that he would have to put his life in Sephiroth's hands. Or, well. Wing in this case.
The other thing he didn't really want to think about was how Tifa and the others would react. This was something he was going to keep to himself. For now.
"Nothing yet. Right now I'm just saying that I picked up an extra errand."
Let them figure out the answers first. Then Cloud would tell Tifa and the others what was going on. They'd worry too much otherwise.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 07:10 am (UTC)"Ugh.... I'm sorry...." He holds a hand to his head. "I don't know what happened to me.... As soon as I'm well again, I'll leave. I won't bother you again, Cloud...."
Are a few more memories coming back? It's hard to say.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 07:24 am (UTC)Of course it was also uncomfortable for another reason. It sounded too much like himself, when he was at his worst. When Cloud would spend countless hours in the church, begging for forgiveness. He distanced himself from everyone for such a long time because of the guilt that was eating him alive from the inside out.
"I already said that I'm not letting you out of my sight so stop."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 07:42 am (UTC)“… And what will you do with me, Cloud? We can’t stay here forever.”
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 07:56 am (UTC)"I'm not the one that can decide that."
Since it was the planet itself that Sephiroth had wronged. The very balance of life and death. Cloud wasn't so arrogant as to think that he could speak on the behalf of that. As angry as the man in front of him made Cloud, as much as he wanted Sephiroth to actually pay? It was easier to hold onto that when he was the egomaniac and not appearing more and more like the General that Cloud had looked up to at some point.
"Anyway..." he started, deciding not to touch on that subject. "I don't know yet. Thought you were faking all of this, but now I just don't know."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 08:02 am (UTC)“I’m not faking,” he says. “I did something … I can’t remember what … and then I was here again and could barely remember anything. I still don’t think I remember it all…. I just see fire…. A lot of fire….”
Nibelheim, still, or maybe Meteor.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 03:31 pm (UTC)"Slow down or you're going to work yourself up again," Cloud huffed. He didn't necessarily want to talk about all of it anyway. What if speaking on it broke whatever spell this was?
That was the last thing he needed. Sephiroth to be how he was. How he had been for the last several years.
"Zack's gone, but that - shockingly - wasn't actually you," Cloud started. This. This was what he would choose to say. "Shinra - Hojo - found us both after. You, more than anyone, know what happens when that man gets a hold of people."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 08:01 pm (UTC)He’s silent for a long time—mourning his friend, perhaps—and then finally sighs sorrowfully. “I couldn’t stop it…. I tried…. I couldn’t get control of my body. The insane part of me was too strong. I tried so many times…. That feeling of utter helplessness … it was completely frightening … isolating.”
And he knows Cloud surely understands. Cloud had fought against being taken over too.
“Yet at the same time, I know it was me. I can’t separate myself from that monster. Genesis was right about me.” He looks away. “The perfect monster….”
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 08:32 pm (UTC)"Hojo is the perfect monster if you ask me," Cloud countered. "We're all just victims."
Though people suffered because of Sephiroth. Still, it wouldn't have happened at all if Hojo didn't want to play some sort of god. All of this talk about insanity and not being able to fight back... One had to wonder if the both of them really wanted to. Was the siren song of Jenovah for Sephiroth and the rage for Cloud just too much for them to really want to fight?
"Though I never thought you wanted to. Resist it. Resist her."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 08:52 pm (UTC)He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:18 pm (UTC)Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:34 pm (UTC)Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:48 pm (UTC)"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:55 pm (UTC)"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 10:13 pm (UTC)However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
And do.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 10:29 pm (UTC)A smirk, a ghost of the insane Sephiroth. But it's gone again. Just a tired, wry smirk.
He's so used to betrayal that it's his first thought. He will probably find it shocking that it isn't something Cloud has to worry about.
"And how do you think we can find answers, Cloud? Where will we go for that?"
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 10:42 pm (UTC)There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 10:50 pm (UTC)"I'll pass."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 10:58 pm (UTC)Cloud shrugged. It was a surefire way to know if death would be accepted or not. Then again, when Reno visited the bar he liked to call Cloud the planet's "most special boy." Right before Cloud threw him out, of course.
What he wasn't able to deny, however, was the connection that Sephiroth now had with the planet. Sure, he wasn't an Ancient. Yet he found a way to gain some control over it. Unfortunately, it was their best lead.
"So we really just need to find a place where the Lifestream runs close to the planet's surface."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 11:05 pm (UTC)"I can think of two places," he said. "The town where Tifa was taking care of you ... and the Northern Crater."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 11:22 pm (UTC)Something about that didn't feel quite right. Cloud felt like there was at least one other location. Somewhere in the back of his memory was another place. Memories from his time being taken care of by Zack, back when he was still suffering from mako poisoning, but he recalled that Zack left him at some point.
"We'll start with Mideel," he answered. "Won't be able to get there by bike though."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 11:29 pm (UTC)Another place.... Perhaps he would remember it too in time; some things were still a little fuzzy.
"We could go as far as we can by motorcycle and then ..." A bit of a smirk. "We could fly the rest of the way." He moved his wing a bit. Probably also out of the question, but it was an option. If they tried something else, like an airship, they'd have to bring other people in on what they were doing, surely. He wasn't a pilot.
apologies! long week was long and i lost track of time
Date: 2024-10-27 02:10 am (UTC)Then his head shot up at the mention of flying. Augh. The scowl on Cloud's face and his eyeroll made it clear what he thought of that. Unfortunately -
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."
That's okay!
Date: 2024-10-27 02:28 am (UTC)He watched Cloud type, and he wasn't terribly surprised that Cloud did not like the thought of flying. But one way or another, they would probably have to fly part of the way there, either on wing or by airship.
"Very well," he said.
Finally he got out of the chair and moved to the couch instead. After dusting it off, he laid down on it. "We should rest. We'll have a long day tomorrow." He paused. "What are you telling Tifa about all this?" He wouldn't ask, except that it of course involved him.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-28 03:43 am (UTC)The other thing he didn't really want to think about was how Tifa and the others would react. This was something he was going to keep to himself. For now.
"Nothing yet. Right now I'm just saying that I picked up an extra errand."
Let them figure out the answers first. Then Cloud would tell Tifa and the others what was going on. They'd worry too much otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-28 04:01 am (UTC)He smirks a bit. "That sounds innocuous enough."
He starts to lower his wing over himself as a blanket.
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