Sephiroth blinked again and looked to the motorcycle. He did not know how he would successfully ride on that right now. And he didn't want to bother Cloud either. He just wanted to get away....
"No.... I won't bother you any more. I'll go...."
He spread his wing and tried to take off, but he was too dizzy. He just stumbled to the side and ended up draped on Fenrir. Shakily he tried to sit up and failed. This was ... not good.
They were, unfortunately in Cloud’s opinion, linked. As long as Cloud remained alive, Sephiroth would always have some sort of tether. Back when he was just a Trooper working with Tseng and Zack on a mission, he didn’t understand the issue with Hollander and Genesis. There were parts that Cloud still didn’t fully comprehend. What he did know was that Hojo tried to do something similar.
Regardless, Cloud wasn’t about to let Sephiroth just go. So it was with some gross relief when he saw the other practically incapable of movement. That would potentially just make it easier. More disturbing, but easier.
“Doesn’t look like you can go anywhere,” he pointed out. “Being a recluse was part of the problem. Now I’m gonna get on the bike and you’re going to get on behind me. Try anything funny and…”
"... What do you think I would try to do, Cloud?" he mumbled as he finally managed to sit up on the bike. If he was insane, that would likely come across as one of his rather creepy comments. But in this state, that probably wasn't how he meant it.
But he would need to put his arms around Cloud for proper balance and safety. That would most certainly be awkward no matter what was going through his mind.
The tone in which Sephiroth spoke was entirely different. If it was like before, it would have been creepy. Yet with it lacking that quality, to Cloud it sounded more tired than anything else. He still tensed even knowing there would be arms going around him. That only made sense, since Sephiroth wasn't even able to stand upright or do much more than wobble.
"Probably stab me. Again," he murmured in return, taking a breath to steady himself.
Then he kicked off, going as fast as he could on his bike. Cloud went off-road, deciding that was the far better option than sticking to where people would be able to see. Who wouldn't potentially realize this was Sephiroth on sight? Cloud wasn't going to take the chance. There were plenty of abandoned places and spaces anyway. The blonde was going to find one for the both of them to just camp out. Literally speaking.
"I won't," he mumbled. He had enough presence of mind to hold onto Cloud as they rode, but lapsed into silence. He was probably still conscious or he would fall even heavier against Cloud. The wing was still out, loose feathers blowing about as they rode.
Soon they would probably come to some vacant houses that would work. And it was likely just in time, as Sephiroth did act like he might be heading for losing consciousness.
That would would probably remain more than a little creepy. It represented something far more sinister, to Cloud at least, than what Sephiroth was more than aware of. By now, Cloud was thinking that Sephiroth was being genuine. His memory was actually that hazy and something was, certainly, not "right." Then again, what defined 'right' in this situation?
A vacant house was exactly what was needed. Cloud pulled up to it, coming to a stop. The other man felt heavier against his back and it was... Uncomfortable.
"Sit up," Cloud demanded. "Need to get off of the bike and inside."
Then, if Sephiroth needed, he would be able to collapse. Cloud figured that he would probably have to assist in that too.
Sephiroth isn't even fully aware it's out. He sort of is and sort of isn't.
He pushes himself up more, struggling to hold himself upright and try to climb off the bike. Instead, he gets tangled up with it and his coat and is pitching off to the ground. So different from his normal grace and strength in movement. He grabs desperately for something to hold onto, which will probably be Cloud.
Oh it was definitely Cloud that Sephiroth had landed against. Again. At least he had managed to get off of his bike before finding himself having arms full of barely coherent and conscious grown ass man. Cloud was almost weirded out at this point, knowing that this was not how the man usually operated. This was not their usual song and dance. Rather this was completely uncharted territory and Cloud was struggling to navigate it.
It was taking all of the strength that he had to just make sure that they didn't tip over at first.
"Oh for the love of..."
He was going to have to handle this himself. Cloud would have to shift the much bigger man around. Get under an arm while draping it across Cloud's own shoulders. The blonde then moved inside of the building, nudging open the door with a foot before kicking it closed with a heel. From there he proceeded to move into what probably was a living room at some point. It was dusty and not the cleanest but it wasn't as though they had options. So he had to drop Sephiroth onto a chair that was too small for the man.
Sephiroth stumbles, somehow managing to stay upright while Cloud is trying so hard to help him. It's a relief to collapse into the chair, small or not, and he slumps back with a groan, his wing sweeping out behind him and probably stirring up a ton of dust. World's largest feather duster.
"Ugh.... I'm sorry...." He holds a hand to his head. "I don't know what happened to me.... As soon as I'm well again, I'll leave. I won't bother you again, Cloud...."
Are a few more memories coming back? It's hard to say.
All of this was so unsettling. It made Cloud scoff and look off to the side. "Just stop. Stop saying you're sorry. No matter how much you say it, it won't change what happened."
Of course it was also uncomfortable for another reason. It sounded too much like himself, when he was at his worst. When Cloud would spend countless hours in the church, begging for forgiveness. He distanced himself from everyone for such a long time because of the guilt that was eating him alive from the inside out.
"I already said that I'm not letting you out of my sight so stop."
Sephiroth is silent for a long time. “I know,” he says at last. “I can never make up for what I did.” He won’t excuse himself because he was insane. For him, that’s not any excuse.
“… And what will you do with me, Cloud? We can’t stay here forever.”
Clouded wanted to answer that silence. He wanted to bite out a 'of course you can't.' Why would someone like Sephiroth be forgiven? What sort of amends would he be capable of and would it ever be enough? However, the truth was -
"I'm not the one that can decide that."
Since it was the planet itself that Sephiroth had wronged. The very balance of life and death. Cloud wasn't so arrogant as to think that he could speak on the behalf of that. As angry as the man in front of him made Cloud, as much as he wanted Sephiroth to actually pay? It was easier to hold onto that when he was the egomaniac and not appearing more and more like the General that Cloud had looked up to at some point.
"Anyway..." he started, deciding not to touch on that subject. "I don't know yet. Thought you were faking all of this, but now I just don't know."
And, perhaps, the planet had already answered that by allowing Sephiroth to live again. But Sephiroth hasn’t thought in those terms and probably won’t, at least not for a long while.
“I’m not faking,” he says. “I did something … I can’t remember what … and then I was here again and could barely remember anything. I still don’t think I remember it all…. I just see fire…. A lot of fire….”
Cloud knew, from experience, that the Lifestream ( or Aerith's will ) did spit people back out. Thus he needed to accept if Sephiroth being here was also the will of the planet. That wasn't something that he, at the current moment, was ready to fully think about or get behind.
"Slow down or you're going to work yourself up again," Cloud huffed. He didn't necessarily want to talk about all of it anyway. What if speaking on it broke whatever spell this was?
That was the last thing he needed. Sephiroth to be how he was. How he had been for the last several years.
"Zack's gone, but that - shockingly - wasn't actually you," Cloud started. This. This was what he would choose to say. "Shinra - Hojo - found us both after. You, more than anyone, know what happens when that man gets a hold of people."
He’s silent for a long time—mourning his friend, perhaps—and then finally sighs sorrowfully. “I couldn’t stop it…. I tried…. I couldn’t get control of my body. The insane part of me was too strong. I tried so many times…. That feeling of utter helplessness … it was completely frightening … isolating.”
And he knows Cloud surely understands. Cloud had fought against being taken over too.
“Yet at the same time, I know it was me. I can’t separate myself from that monster. Genesis was right about me.” He looks away. “The perfect monster….”
A part of Cloud really did want to believe it, based on his own experience of losing his mind. He wanted to believe that it was more Jenovah than Sephiroth and the man in front of him really was simply lost. That Jenovah preyed upon that moment of weakness, of being worn down from the discovery of his own origins. Cloud understood how things like that could eat away at someone.
"Hojo is the perfect monster if you ask me," Cloud countered. "We're all just victims."
Though people suffered because of Sephiroth. Still, it wouldn't have happened at all if Hojo didn't want to play some sort of god. All of this talk about insanity and not being able to fight back... One had to wonder if the both of them really wanted to. Was the siren song of Jenovah for Sephiroth and the rage for Cloud just too much for them to really want to fight?
"Though I never thought you wanted to. Resist it. Resist her."
Sephiroth knew he had indeed been preyed upon. But in his insanity he had felt he had gotten control over her. Had he really? Or had she tricked him into thinking he had gotten control? He doesn't even know. And he still doesn't think it's an excuse for himself even if it possibly is true.
He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
"Yeah, it puts a bitter taste in my mouth too. I don't like it," Cloud admitted. Though it would be pretty hypocritical of him too. Sure, he was pulled into Sephiroth's orbit. However, Sephiroth's crimes were not his alone. Cloud assisted. It was Cloud that got the Black Materia out. It was Cloud that had brought the materia to Sephiroth. Aerith was gone because it was Cloud that made it all necessary.
Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
Poisoned honey was a very good description. Sephiroth had indeed wanted someone on his side that badly. But ... in his desperate desire for a mother, he had pushed away the one person who might have been able to help him.
Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
Sephiroth, while a bit melancholic about it, seemed to be more put together now. Claiming that he remembered everything must mean that the fog and confusion was starting to wear off. Cloud was a little on edge to hear it, but at the same time? He needed to come to terms with the fact that Sephiroth was staying in control of himself. There was no shift or change in his demeanor that would have indicated spiraling towards insanity.
"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
Sephiroth definitely remembered more now. It was more and more horrible the more he remembered. But he was resigned to it by now.
"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
"Technically speaking... I'm not happy about it either," Cloud admitted. "It would be easier to just kill you and keep doing things like we're used to."
However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
Where would they go to find something like that? Cloud wasn't someone that was able to just talk to the planet. He wasn't someone who would be able to find answers that way. There was a slight chance that if he sat still, in silence, maybe Aerith would speak to him again. However, Cloud was pretty sure that after the last time, it was also a goodbye.
There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-10-18 05:31 am (UTC)"No.... I won't bother you any more. I'll go...."
He spread his wing and tried to take off, but he was too dizzy. He just stumbled to the side and ended up draped on Fenrir. Shakily he tried to sit up and failed. This was ... not good.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-18 05:44 am (UTC)They were, unfortunately in Cloud’s opinion, linked. As long as Cloud remained alive, Sephiroth would always have some sort of tether. Back when he was just a Trooper working with Tseng and Zack on a mission, he didn’t understand the issue with Hollander and Genesis. There were parts that Cloud still didn’t fully comprehend. What he did know was that Hojo tried to do something similar.
Regardless, Cloud wasn’t about to let Sephiroth just go. So it was with some gross relief when he saw the other practically incapable of movement. That would potentially just make it easier. More disturbing, but easier.
“Doesn’t look like you can go anywhere,” he pointed out. “Being a recluse was part of the problem. Now I’m gonna get on the bike and you’re going to get on behind me. Try anything funny and…”
Well. Did he need to say it?
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Date: 2024-10-18 05:56 am (UTC)But he would need to put his arms around Cloud for proper balance and safety. That would most certainly be awkward no matter what was going through his mind.
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Date: 2024-10-19 04:03 am (UTC)"Probably stab me. Again," he murmured in return, taking a breath to steady himself.
Then he kicked off, going as fast as he could on his bike. Cloud went off-road, deciding that was the far better option than sticking to where people would be able to see. Who wouldn't potentially realize this was Sephiroth on sight? Cloud wasn't going to take the chance. There were plenty of abandoned places and spaces anyway. The blonde was going to find one for the both of them to just camp out. Literally speaking.
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Date: 2024-10-19 04:10 am (UTC)"I won't," he mumbled. He had enough presence of mind to hold onto Cloud as they rode, but lapsed into silence. He was probably still conscious or he would fall even heavier against Cloud. The wing was still out, loose feathers blowing about as they rode.
Soon they would probably come to some vacant houses that would work. And it was likely just in time, as Sephiroth did act like he might be heading for losing consciousness.
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Date: 2024-10-19 06:02 am (UTC)A vacant house was exactly what was needed. Cloud pulled up to it, coming to a stop. The other man felt heavier against his back and it was... Uncomfortable.
"Sit up," Cloud demanded. "Need to get off of the bike and inside."
Then, if Sephiroth needed, he would be able to collapse. Cloud figured that he would probably have to assist in that too.
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Date: 2024-10-19 06:14 am (UTC)He pushes himself up more, struggling to hold himself upright and try to climb off the bike. Instead, he gets tangled up with it and his coat and is pitching off to the ground. So different from his normal grace and strength in movement. He grabs desperately for something to hold onto, which will probably be Cloud.
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Date: 2024-10-19 06:59 am (UTC)It was taking all of the strength that he had to just make sure that they didn't tip over at first.
"Oh for the love of..."
He was going to have to handle this himself. Cloud would have to shift the much bigger man around. Get under an arm while draping it across Cloud's own shoulders. The blonde then moved inside of the building, nudging open the door with a foot before kicking it closed with a heel. From there he proceeded to move into what probably was a living room at some point. It was dusty and not the cleanest but it wasn't as though they had options. So he had to drop Sephiroth onto a chair that was too small for the man.
"Damn heavy.:
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Date: 2024-10-19 07:10 am (UTC)"Ugh.... I'm sorry...." He holds a hand to his head. "I don't know what happened to me.... As soon as I'm well again, I'll leave. I won't bother you again, Cloud...."
Are a few more memories coming back? It's hard to say.
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Date: 2024-10-19 07:24 am (UTC)Of course it was also uncomfortable for another reason. It sounded too much like himself, when he was at his worst. When Cloud would spend countless hours in the church, begging for forgiveness. He distanced himself from everyone for such a long time because of the guilt that was eating him alive from the inside out.
"I already said that I'm not letting you out of my sight so stop."
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Date: 2024-10-19 07:42 am (UTC)“… And what will you do with me, Cloud? We can’t stay here forever.”
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Date: 2024-10-19 07:56 am (UTC)"I'm not the one that can decide that."
Since it was the planet itself that Sephiroth had wronged. The very balance of life and death. Cloud wasn't so arrogant as to think that he could speak on the behalf of that. As angry as the man in front of him made Cloud, as much as he wanted Sephiroth to actually pay? It was easier to hold onto that when he was the egomaniac and not appearing more and more like the General that Cloud had looked up to at some point.
"Anyway..." he started, deciding not to touch on that subject. "I don't know yet. Thought you were faking all of this, but now I just don't know."
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Date: 2024-10-19 08:02 am (UTC)“I’m not faking,” he says. “I did something … I can’t remember what … and then I was here again and could barely remember anything. I still don’t think I remember it all…. I just see fire…. A lot of fire….”
Nibelheim, still, or maybe Meteor.
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Date: 2024-10-19 03:31 pm (UTC)"Slow down or you're going to work yourself up again," Cloud huffed. He didn't necessarily want to talk about all of it anyway. What if speaking on it broke whatever spell this was?
That was the last thing he needed. Sephiroth to be how he was. How he had been for the last several years.
"Zack's gone, but that - shockingly - wasn't actually you," Cloud started. This. This was what he would choose to say. "Shinra - Hojo - found us both after. You, more than anyone, know what happens when that man gets a hold of people."
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Date: 2024-10-19 08:01 pm (UTC)He’s silent for a long time—mourning his friend, perhaps—and then finally sighs sorrowfully. “I couldn’t stop it…. I tried…. I couldn’t get control of my body. The insane part of me was too strong. I tried so many times…. That feeling of utter helplessness … it was completely frightening … isolating.”
And he knows Cloud surely understands. Cloud had fought against being taken over too.
“Yet at the same time, I know it was me. I can’t separate myself from that monster. Genesis was right about me.” He looks away. “The perfect monster….”
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Date: 2024-10-19 08:32 pm (UTC)"Hojo is the perfect monster if you ask me," Cloud countered. "We're all just victims."
Though people suffered because of Sephiroth. Still, it wouldn't have happened at all if Hojo didn't want to play some sort of god. All of this talk about insanity and not being able to fight back... One had to wonder if the both of them really wanted to. Was the siren song of Jenovah for Sephiroth and the rage for Cloud just too much for them to really want to fight?
"Though I never thought you wanted to. Resist it. Resist her."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 08:52 pm (UTC)He looks up in surprise at Cloud's words. "I ... ? A victim? I never thought I would hear you say that, Cloud."
He sighs and looks down. "I was so lost after everything I read. Nothing made sense. And then I heard her calling to me, telling me she was my mother, feeding me her lies about herself and the Ancients and the Planet.... It all seemed to make so much sense to me in that moment, when I felt more betrayed and alone than I ever had before, and I gave in.
"I can't deny the power I gained felt good. I wanted to strike back at anything and everything. I had always been so caged at Shinra. Finally I was free. Only ... I really wasn't free at all. I was caged by something far worse than Shinra. And that continued until tonight."
He looks up again. "But how can I possibly live in this world I tried to destroy? No one will accept me. Not that they should. I just wonder how ..." He sighs.
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Date: 2024-10-19 09:18 pm (UTC)Cloud didn't know how Jenovah's words might have sounded. Sephiroth's description read as though it was like poisoned honey. They were things that Sephiroth wanted to hear and it was a side of the man that Cloud thought others probably didn't know. Did Sephiroth really want someone on his side so badly he would have listened to Jenovah? Betrayed. Alone. Hearing those things made Cloud frown, scowling at the floor as he listened.
Was that the reason that Sephiroth wanted him to have the same level of rage? Because, in reality, Sephiroth was turning his rage upon the world that he thought took everything away?
His eyes glanced up. Met the very green ones that had haunted his dreams, both sleeping and awake. Then he scoffed, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cloud wanted to stay angry. It would be easier to. However, if all of this was true, then who was he to hold onto that? Cloud was still looking at how to atone for the things he did too.
"How can any of us... How can the Turks who dropped the plate? How can I for gift-wrapping the planet and handing it over to you? I think the whole figuring out how to live in this world is what makes any of us human."
He sighed.
"What makes one a monster anyway? Because if it's genetic make up, then I'm just as much of one as you. But I think it has more to do with our actions and what we do after we realize we've done wrong."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:34 pm (UTC)Zack.
And he would never forgive himself for that, either.
Perhaps that had been why he had wanted Cloud to feel rage. Perhaps ... he had wanted Cloud to embrace their similarities. He had wanted Cloud to come to him, to be with him.... Deep down, he hadn't wanted to be the only one. He'd felt a kinship with Cloud, given their cells.
He ponders Cloud's words. "Human.... Am I human? By your description, I am indeed a monster. My actions prove it." He leans back, staring at the ceiling. "I am fully aware now of all the evil I wrought, but ... what do I do about it? Do I try to protect the Planet from any future threats?" Would there even be any without him? "Do I try to rebuild buildings, homes?" Who would even let him work anywhere?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:48 pm (UTC)"Yeah, and? Right now you seem pretty damn miserable about it all. Don't think that a monster would feel anything like remorse," he said with a bit of resignation to his tone. "Can't tell you the answer to any of that either. I've spent the last two years trying to figure that one out."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-19 09:55 pm (UTC)"Probably not."
But could he ever see himself as human again? Right now it seemed almost impossible.
He looked to Cloud, thoughtful, pondering. "... Tifa won't be happy about this." Tifa would have to know, and then the others would have to know.... And if Cloud actually stood by him, would any of them reject Cloud? He hated to think of that. He wasn't worth Cloud losing his friends.
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:13 pm (UTC)However, they don't have any answers right now. Cloud was a little uncertain what to do next if that was the case. Sephiroth would never not be a threat, unless he really was cleansed of his insanity and Jenovah all but purified by the planet itself.
His friends would be concerned, for sure. They would ask Cloud if he was in his right mind. He wouldn't know how to respond to it. Of course no one would reject him - they'd all come too far for that.
"We're going to find answers before anything," Cloud said instead. "Then I'll figure out what to say."
And do.
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:29 pm (UTC)A smirk, a ghost of the insane Sephiroth. But it's gone again. Just a tired, wry smirk.
He's so used to betrayal that it's his first thought. He will probably find it shocking that it isn't something Cloud has to worry about.
"And how do you think we can find answers, Cloud? Where will we go for that?"
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:42 pm (UTC)There was one other option...
"Could always toss you into the Lifestream. See what it does."
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Date: 2024-10-19 10:50 pm (UTC)"I'll pass."
But perhaps ... if they go to the Lifestream, would he be able to hear something himself? With all of his knowledge and power, it almost seems he should be able to. Or at least, it seems there might be a chance.
"If we go to the Lifestream, I might be able to communicate with it. I'm not an Ancient as I thought, but I still have all of my knowledge that I gained from the Lifestream."
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